This week, I have been unbelievably busy at work.
I have not returned phonecalls to friends, despite promising I would. My social life has gone down the pan. I had originally had a week of busy evenings planned, but for once I was grateful to be cancelled on!
The only evening thing I did this week was get a random group of girls (not random to me, they are my friends, but they are random to each other) and went to the cinema on 241, thanks Orange..anyway it went quite well. I like it when friends get on with each other. Interesting to see who doesn't like who, which you can tell by body language and facial reactions.
And I have a busy weekend ahead. Sometimes life is sooooo hectic for me. If I'm in a good frame of mind, ie relaxed, chilled, then I can take it in my stride. But this week, I've been so busy in the daytime, that I am worn out by the evenings. For the first time in my life, I have started getting exceptionally heavy eyelids on the train home. I am very glad not to have a work Blackberry, I know that I would not be able to resist looking at it.
However, despite the busy week, I have probably had one of the funniest weeks in terms of laughing. I'm surrounded by a fairly humourous bunch of people. Perhaps where I differ from them, is that I would have a laugh all day. Haha. They would do work too... So it has helped when I have been particularly stretched work-wise, to be able to have a giggle about silly stuff.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Miserable Faces
Sometimes, I am guilty of having a miserable face.
Often it is on a Sunday evening or throughout a Monday. I am disgruntled because I love my weekends and I resent them ending. If I didn't have to work, weekends would lose their novelty but it doesn't stop them from becoming a major importance and a major imposition when they are over.
So sometimes, yes I can be miserable. I think that the whole "a smile breeds a smile" is as true as the opposite when a frown breeds a frown. I would say that if you are fed up and you face someone who is chirpy the stronger character's mood rubs off on you. Today at work, my bosses were all pretty much miserable or tired or stressed. It annoyed me as I already didn't feel in the best of moods, having found out that a former colleague had just lost her battle with cancer and rather more trivially, i was tired.
But being dominant males, I felt slightly like I was being targeted, for silly things that they wanted. Because they had nothing major to get me on, it was more picky and "for fucks sake"s going around.
That's another thing, men swearing in front of women. Some men are like "oh sorry shouldn't swear in front of a lady"> which is quite sweet! The rest don't really care.
SO I think I need to act unaffected, because if I let these sulky faces bring me down, that is not a good place to be. I would say that I fall in the bracket of someone who has to try quite hard to not get pulled down. I enjoy laughing and being happy but can get my confidence knocked quite easily.
So bite my tongue, force out a smile and find someone happy to hang out with.
Often it is on a Sunday evening or throughout a Monday. I am disgruntled because I love my weekends and I resent them ending. If I didn't have to work, weekends would lose their novelty but it doesn't stop them from becoming a major importance and a major imposition when they are over.
So sometimes, yes I can be miserable. I think that the whole "a smile breeds a smile" is as true as the opposite when a frown breeds a frown. I would say that if you are fed up and you face someone who is chirpy the stronger character's mood rubs off on you. Today at work, my bosses were all pretty much miserable or tired or stressed. It annoyed me as I already didn't feel in the best of moods, having found out that a former colleague had just lost her battle with cancer and rather more trivially, i was tired.
But being dominant males, I felt slightly like I was being targeted, for silly things that they wanted. Because they had nothing major to get me on, it was more picky and "for fucks sake"s going around.
That's another thing, men swearing in front of women. Some men are like "oh sorry shouldn't swear in front of a lady"> which is quite sweet! The rest don't really care.
SO I think I need to act unaffected, because if I let these sulky faces bring me down, that is not a good place to be. I would say that I fall in the bracket of someone who has to try quite hard to not get pulled down. I enjoy laughing and being happy but can get my confidence knocked quite easily.
So bite my tongue, force out a smile and find someone happy to hang out with.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
You get what you pay for...
A little while ago now, my boyfriend and me decided to find a cheap and relatively nearby country hotel for a getaway.
Looking online, you are privy to plethora of information and deals but being in a rush to find something nice at late notice, we ended up booking - to our detriment - a hotel in Ascot based on a picture and the hotels' own trumpet-blowing review. At £39 it seemed too good to miss and being in Ascot, surely it couldn't be bad?
On arriving through some wrought iron gates, we saw to our left, a car park and dotted about on the right, blocks of apartments. Being unsure how far the hotel was from this point, we parked up and started walking. We passed a white building which looked like a very nice place. I quickly googled the hotel on my phone and learned that this was another hotel, so thankfully, embarrassment saved. I say embarrassment, due to what we stumbled upon afterwards. Having continued walking around for about 10mins, I finally caved in and called the hotel, asking them to direct me into the reception.
I actually couldn't believe my eyes. The reception looked like an old fashioned college reception, with low level desks, shady strip lighting and cheap suited staff. Panic rose in me as it dawned on me that the blocks of apartments WERE the rooms of the hotel. As we obligingly gave over a credit card for pre-payment, my boyfriend asked in a stressed voice, whether we would be charged for the room, if we did not stay.
Thinking that was an unusual thing to say, I jumped in with the only excuse that came to my head; that my friend was pregnant and had gone into labour just hours earlier and we were waiting for the call. That we hoped to stay, but should she give birth, we wanted to be able to go immediately. Suprisingly the receptionist was very cool about that, said that she wouldn't possibly charge us if we had to leave, so no problem, just let her know.
The food hall was also detached from the rooms and reception, and as we walked in, we discovered the only option for dining available was a set 3 course meal. As we had travelled there, we thought we would have a meal and mull over what to do about staying or going. The meal was horrendous. Simply put. I can only describe this as canteen food. It was all buffet style, the starters in one quarter, the main in another and the desserts in another.
The food was so bland and so over cooked that we barely could eat it. Limp salads, dodgy smelling curries, you get the picture. Having scoffed down the meal (the desserts were ok, but then you can't easily go wrong with defrosted desserts...) we decided in no way were we going to stay in this shabby place. First of all, I thought perhaps I was a snob, maybe I have been too protected by nice 4 and 5 star hotels through work and my personal life, that this maybe perfectly acceptable 3 star hotel, in actual fact was just out of my snobby high standards. I looked around at the people dining, there were some couples, normal looking and a lot of families. Everyone here was getting a bargain, didn't this tell me something?
Anyway, so realising we couldn't really just saunter back into the reception and ask for our money back, I devised a plan that embarrassed the hell out of me. I don't like attention and I certainly didn't want to be stood about lying to this girl for any length of time other than necessary.
So, full on shitty food, I made me and my boyfriend start running, to the reception. I burst in, put on my most flustered and excitable voice and exclaimed to the girl that my friend had given birth!! And no way, that we'd just had to eat our dinner so fast! And was this deal on regularly as we hadn't even time to see our room and had been looking forward to our stay. Etc etc.
She seemed to share in the excitement and signed all the paperwork off and off we ran, "to the hospital". I'm sure my timings can't have added up. I mean if you've just given birth in 3 hours of labour, pretty much you aren't going to be up for visitors, right? Still the details were left to be thought over by her as we were back in the car and on the way home.
When I got back, I thought, right this hotel needs looking into. As soon as I did, I discovered that actually, it had been totally RIPPED apart by most staying. So there went the snobby theory. There were so many complaints about the food, the quality of the rooms, the thickness (of lack of) of the walls and so it went on. Many people had seen their rooms and refused to stay and HAD been allowed to leave without a charge. Having known that, I would not have put the effort into such a dramatic performance.
Still, it made me realise, that you know maybe there are some decent 3 star hotels out there, but in future, I will be reviewing them thoroughly before commiting myself to a night's stay.
Looking online, you are privy to plethora of information and deals but being in a rush to find something nice at late notice, we ended up booking - to our detriment - a hotel in Ascot based on a picture and the hotels' own trumpet-blowing review. At £39 it seemed too good to miss and being in Ascot, surely it couldn't be bad?
On arriving through some wrought iron gates, we saw to our left, a car park and dotted about on the right, blocks of apartments. Being unsure how far the hotel was from this point, we parked up and started walking. We passed a white building which looked like a very nice place. I quickly googled the hotel on my phone and learned that this was another hotel, so thankfully, embarrassment saved. I say embarrassment, due to what we stumbled upon afterwards. Having continued walking around for about 10mins, I finally caved in and called the hotel, asking them to direct me into the reception.
I actually couldn't believe my eyes. The reception looked like an old fashioned college reception, with low level desks, shady strip lighting and cheap suited staff. Panic rose in me as it dawned on me that the blocks of apartments WERE the rooms of the hotel. As we obligingly gave over a credit card for pre-payment, my boyfriend asked in a stressed voice, whether we would be charged for the room, if we did not stay.
Thinking that was an unusual thing to say, I jumped in with the only excuse that came to my head; that my friend was pregnant and had gone into labour just hours earlier and we were waiting for the call. That we hoped to stay, but should she give birth, we wanted to be able to go immediately. Suprisingly the receptionist was very cool about that, said that she wouldn't possibly charge us if we had to leave, so no problem, just let her know.
The food hall was also detached from the rooms and reception, and as we walked in, we discovered the only option for dining available was a set 3 course meal. As we had travelled there, we thought we would have a meal and mull over what to do about staying or going. The meal was horrendous. Simply put. I can only describe this as canteen food. It was all buffet style, the starters in one quarter, the main in another and the desserts in another.
The food was so bland and so over cooked that we barely could eat it. Limp salads, dodgy smelling curries, you get the picture. Having scoffed down the meal (the desserts were ok, but then you can't easily go wrong with defrosted desserts...) we decided in no way were we going to stay in this shabby place. First of all, I thought perhaps I was a snob, maybe I have been too protected by nice 4 and 5 star hotels through work and my personal life, that this maybe perfectly acceptable 3 star hotel, in actual fact was just out of my snobby high standards. I looked around at the people dining, there were some couples, normal looking and a lot of families. Everyone here was getting a bargain, didn't this tell me something?
Anyway, so realising we couldn't really just saunter back into the reception and ask for our money back, I devised a plan that embarrassed the hell out of me. I don't like attention and I certainly didn't want to be stood about lying to this girl for any length of time other than necessary.
So, full on shitty food, I made me and my boyfriend start running, to the reception. I burst in, put on my most flustered and excitable voice and exclaimed to the girl that my friend had given birth!! And no way, that we'd just had to eat our dinner so fast! And was this deal on regularly as we hadn't even time to see our room and had been looking forward to our stay. Etc etc.
She seemed to share in the excitement and signed all the paperwork off and off we ran, "to the hospital". I'm sure my timings can't have added up. I mean if you've just given birth in 3 hours of labour, pretty much you aren't going to be up for visitors, right? Still the details were left to be thought over by her as we were back in the car and on the way home.
When I got back, I thought, right this hotel needs looking into. As soon as I did, I discovered that actually, it had been totally RIPPED apart by most staying. So there went the snobby theory. There were so many complaints about the food, the quality of the rooms, the thickness (of lack of) of the walls and so it went on. Many people had seen their rooms and refused to stay and HAD been allowed to leave without a charge. Having known that, I would not have put the effort into such a dramatic performance.
Still, it made me realise, that you know maybe there are some decent 3 star hotels out there, but in future, I will be reviewing them thoroughly before commiting myself to a night's stay.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Actually Words Will Also Hurt Me
People who say they aren't affected by words, are liars.
If you get someone who says something hurtful, deeply hurtful or something very slight but said in a manipulative way that will inevitably irk you all day long, until you implode, those are the words that affect you.
It reminds me of an episode of Scrubs. The Janitor says to JD "You're stupid". Normally he would have a lengthy explanation of a reason to dislike JD or to insult him, so this short insult comes as a puzzling suprise to JD. He looks quizzically at The Janitor who says "Don't worry, it'll get ya". And it does. At first, he dismisses it but eventually as the day wears on, it starts to bother him, eat at him and he starts questioning himself, "Am I stupid?". He looks to colleagues for validation and it was all from one word.
I think though this was intentional, there are times when we say things to people, totally unaware of the impact it has. Particularly to sensitive people. I would say I have become more aware of other people's feelings, based on the fact that I am sensitive. I incorrectly assume everyone will be offended by something that I would be, even if that thing came out of MY mouth. So I probably apologise too much, but I wouldn't at this stage, change myself, as I think considering other people's feelings is actually, important.
If you get someone who says something hurtful, deeply hurtful or something very slight but said in a manipulative way that will inevitably irk you all day long, until you implode, those are the words that affect you.
It reminds me of an episode of Scrubs. The Janitor says to JD "You're stupid". Normally he would have a lengthy explanation of a reason to dislike JD or to insult him, so this short insult comes as a puzzling suprise to JD. He looks quizzically at The Janitor who says "Don't worry, it'll get ya". And it does. At first, he dismisses it but eventually as the day wears on, it starts to bother him, eat at him and he starts questioning himself, "Am I stupid?". He looks to colleagues for validation and it was all from one word.
I think though this was intentional, there are times when we say things to people, totally unaware of the impact it has. Particularly to sensitive people. I would say I have become more aware of other people's feelings, based on the fact that I am sensitive. I incorrectly assume everyone will be offended by something that I would be, even if that thing came out of MY mouth. So I probably apologise too much, but I wouldn't at this stage, change myself, as I think considering other people's feelings is actually, important.
What A Difference A Day Makes
I have to admit lately, my mood swings have been pretty violent. Based on various things going on in my life, I am up and down and all over the place.
But isn't it interesting that how an hour, a conversation, a good nights sleep can make your day uplifted, in the same way that an hour, a conversation, a terrible nights sleep can ruin your day.
Today, the weather was glum, I'd received an unpleasant email from an old acquaintance and I felt pretty miserable. But this afternoon, after a fairly positive phonecall and an invite out for a much needed drink PLUS a nice sentiment from my boyfriend, suddenly I can see that the sun is shining and life may hold a different meaning this afternoon. In all honesty, if I feel miserable tomorrow, I will still cherish this little gap of peace that I'm in.
But isn't it interesting that how an hour, a conversation, a good nights sleep can make your day uplifted, in the same way that an hour, a conversation, a terrible nights sleep can ruin your day.
Today, the weather was glum, I'd received an unpleasant email from an old acquaintance and I felt pretty miserable. But this afternoon, after a fairly positive phonecall and an invite out for a much needed drink PLUS a nice sentiment from my boyfriend, suddenly I can see that the sun is shining and life may hold a different meaning this afternoon. In all honesty, if I feel miserable tomorrow, I will still cherish this little gap of peace that I'm in.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Crunchy Shoulder
I have realised recently that I do not deal with stress well at all.
I am a classic bottler and exploder. I give off an impression of being laidback and chilled when I can be furious inside. I have learned to hold this in because I do not like to be angry but I especially do like to be seen to be angry. I like to try to deal with things myself if I can.
This series of actions, however has increased my anxiety and now I have noticed more than ever, the physical repercussions of keeping stress in.
The most notable physical symptoms are: stiff neck and the most painful heavy feeling in my shoulders, severe stabbing headaches in the base of my skull, an increase in spots, an increase of nervous energy and mind over load.
The past few weeks, however I have been experiencing a "crunchy shoulder". While I try to massage any knots out myself, I cannot relax properly, therefore it is not having the desired effect. I have booked a much needed spa weekend for the end of this month, which really can't come quickly enough and I hope this will sort my shoulder out. Because at the moment, my muscles are crunching and clicking under my fingers. This is known as "bubble wrap" (not a technical term eh?) which is basically a build up of lactic acid around the muscles, also commonly formed when exercising on a regular basis. These bubbles of liquid need to be massaged out, to ensure the joints do not stiffen. But this I believe, has happened to me and alongside my stress levels, I am in a bit of a predicament.
It is not a cheap solution to get a sports massage every week but I think it may be something I need to look into. Perhaps on a monthly basis. I need to practice some calming methods on a more regular basis too. I am very good at planning things and coming up with ideas, but I am not good at executing them, which is to my detriment.
However, I have recently bought a book which came highly recommended via Amazon (the reviewers on there are among the harshest, so I run every single purchase I possibly can through Amazon first, before buying it) by Nicky Hambledon-Smith, called Top to Toe. It is basically a self-help book helping you to change the way you think and to help you make your dreams happen. Basically a form of cognitive behaviour if you like. By taking the time to focus on your dreams, it gives you more of a feeling of purpose and direction and that is something I definitely need.
I write lists and lists and I have bags and bags of "to-do" items, but I rarely get to any of them, and so I have become very disorganised and lacking in direction. So i will be reading this book and making a point of where I want to go. But before I do that, I am going to set myself a goal of doing 3 things per evening that I have not done but need to. I think this is a way to get things done and a small commitment to myself, to encourage following things through to it's end, which I regularly find myself incapable of doing.
So tonight, I intend to:
1, Make a cheesecake
2, Do all the washing up
3, Write an overdue email to one friend.
I can't wait to start this!
I am a classic bottler and exploder. I give off an impression of being laidback and chilled when I can be furious inside. I have learned to hold this in because I do not like to be angry but I especially do like to be seen to be angry. I like to try to deal with things myself if I can.
This series of actions, however has increased my anxiety and now I have noticed more than ever, the physical repercussions of keeping stress in.
The most notable physical symptoms are: stiff neck and the most painful heavy feeling in my shoulders, severe stabbing headaches in the base of my skull, an increase in spots, an increase of nervous energy and mind over load.
The past few weeks, however I have been experiencing a "crunchy shoulder". While I try to massage any knots out myself, I cannot relax properly, therefore it is not having the desired effect. I have booked a much needed spa weekend for the end of this month, which really can't come quickly enough and I hope this will sort my shoulder out. Because at the moment, my muscles are crunching and clicking under my fingers. This is known as "bubble wrap" (not a technical term eh?) which is basically a build up of lactic acid around the muscles, also commonly formed when exercising on a regular basis. These bubbles of liquid need to be massaged out, to ensure the joints do not stiffen. But this I believe, has happened to me and alongside my stress levels, I am in a bit of a predicament.
It is not a cheap solution to get a sports massage every week but I think it may be something I need to look into. Perhaps on a monthly basis. I need to practice some calming methods on a more regular basis too. I am very good at planning things and coming up with ideas, but I am not good at executing them, which is to my detriment.
However, I have recently bought a book which came highly recommended via Amazon (the reviewers on there are among the harshest, so I run every single purchase I possibly can through Amazon first, before buying it) by Nicky Hambledon-Smith, called Top to Toe. It is basically a self-help book helping you to change the way you think and to help you make your dreams happen. Basically a form of cognitive behaviour if you like. By taking the time to focus on your dreams, it gives you more of a feeling of purpose and direction and that is something I definitely need.
I write lists and lists and I have bags and bags of "to-do" items, but I rarely get to any of them, and so I have become very disorganised and lacking in direction. So i will be reading this book and making a point of where I want to go. But before I do that, I am going to set myself a goal of doing 3 things per evening that I have not done but need to. I think this is a way to get things done and a small commitment to myself, to encourage following things through to it's end, which I regularly find myself incapable of doing.
So tonight, I intend to:
1, Make a cheesecake
2, Do all the washing up
3, Write an overdue email to one friend.
I can't wait to start this!
Grieving for the show that was Neighbours on a cold and sunny Monday
Today, for me, is a particularly difficult day. Up until this point, I had not really given my day much thought. It was Monday, it was always going to be a bit of a stinger after the weekend I had (chilled, no pressure to get up etc etc) but it was going to take place nonetheless.
My day actually did not leave much time for the usual Monday slump, because I had a meeting which, including travel time, took up just under 3 hours. In the position I have at work, meetings are not commonplace for me. I spend my time organising and managing them, not attending them. So when I returned to my desk and the large amount of emails, I suddenly felt a combination of insurmountable energy to tackle all of these and an overwhelming desire to pack up and go home. The former kept me in-line and as I worked through the majority, I realised that I am far happier to be busy at work and not have too much time on my hands to think about how bored I am.
However, this does not mean I am satisfied when I am busy. Far from it. My worklife needs to alter somewhat for me to ensure I am happy. But when I question what will make me happy, I find that a difficult question to answer. I think it requires more thought and it is something I will come back to.
So when I came home from work, I went for a big run. This run was the longest I have managed. I thought I would feel like backing out tonight, as I have been running in the mornings until now, but actually I felt less pressured by time, because I had no train to catch to work. So I walked/jogged/ran for a good 40mins. I don't time myself or anything really, I simply run for exercise to get fit. My friend who runs with me tells me about her work (as a designer) and I find this chat really interesting and it makes me forget about exercising.
And after my run, I immediately thought of sitting down and catching some TV with some toast. To my delight Neighbours was on. I have a big fondness for Neighbours. It is a show I grew up watching and all through my teenage years and early twenties, provided me with gorgeous pretty boy Australian men to crush on. Jesse Spencer was my most notable beach blonde gorgeous Aussie male crush and Neighbours was from then on, stamped as the best place to live in the whole world. I saw it as a way to forget about boring Britain with it's average looking men. Like many people I would imagine, Neighbours became the lifestyle you dreamed of having.
But today, when I watched Neighbours, I was shocked. Yes shocked.
Because the acting is abominable! Up to the last few months, I always found the show fun and any darker issues were dealt with appropriately and I revelled in some of the sillier story lines. Classic characters, likeable place, it had the edge over Home and Away for me and I trusted in it.
I have seen less than half a dozen of the characters I know and love and the rest? They totally stink. None of them should be called actors, because their performance is nothing short of insulting to me as a viewer. I don't believe in any of these characters.
I feel like I'm mourning the show that was. Because this new wave of families does not represent Neighbours as I know and love it.
Shame on you Neighbours, shame on YOU.
My day actually did not leave much time for the usual Monday slump, because I had a meeting which, including travel time, took up just under 3 hours. In the position I have at work, meetings are not commonplace for me. I spend my time organising and managing them, not attending them. So when I returned to my desk and the large amount of emails, I suddenly felt a combination of insurmountable energy to tackle all of these and an overwhelming desire to pack up and go home. The former kept me in-line and as I worked through the majority, I realised that I am far happier to be busy at work and not have too much time on my hands to think about how bored I am.
However, this does not mean I am satisfied when I am busy. Far from it. My worklife needs to alter somewhat for me to ensure I am happy. But when I question what will make me happy, I find that a difficult question to answer. I think it requires more thought and it is something I will come back to.
So when I came home from work, I went for a big run. This run was the longest I have managed. I thought I would feel like backing out tonight, as I have been running in the mornings until now, but actually I felt less pressured by time, because I had no train to catch to work. So I walked/jogged/ran for a good 40mins. I don't time myself or anything really, I simply run for exercise to get fit. My friend who runs with me tells me about her work (as a designer) and I find this chat really interesting and it makes me forget about exercising.
And after my run, I immediately thought of sitting down and catching some TV with some toast. To my delight Neighbours was on. I have a big fondness for Neighbours. It is a show I grew up watching and all through my teenage years and early twenties, provided me with gorgeous pretty boy Australian men to crush on. Jesse Spencer was my most notable beach blonde gorgeous Aussie male crush and Neighbours was from then on, stamped as the best place to live in the whole world. I saw it as a way to forget about boring Britain with it's average looking men. Like many people I would imagine, Neighbours became the lifestyle you dreamed of having.
But today, when I watched Neighbours, I was shocked. Yes shocked.
Because the acting is abominable! Up to the last few months, I always found the show fun and any darker issues were dealt with appropriately and I revelled in some of the sillier story lines. Classic characters, likeable place, it had the edge over Home and Away for me and I trusted in it.
I have seen less than half a dozen of the characters I know and love and the rest? They totally stink. None of them should be called actors, because their performance is nothing short of insulting to me as a viewer. I don't believe in any of these characters.
I feel like I'm mourning the show that was. Because this new wave of families does not represent Neighbours as I know and love it.
Shame on you Neighbours, shame on YOU.
Monday, March 1, 2010
10 signs he's cheating? Sounds like a recipe for breeding insecurity to me
I recently received an email from one of those gossipy magazine style websites. Sometimes I look at them, mostly to scour for the competitions that I could win something cool. I never do by the way. I'm sure there's something wrong about that. To enter all of those and NEVER ever win a single thing? Not even a pen? Hmm
Anyway, so this last email I received, pretty much ENRAGED me. It contained an article called "10 signs he's cheating". I used to read all of these during the uncertain times of the early days in a relationship. Don't ask me why, I was young and worried. Then when I was happily settled into that relationship, I read them with bemusement.
Now I read them and feel pretty mad, because I honestly think a woman has enough in life to worry about, never mind what her boyfriend/husband/significant other is up to. And to now be almost told you should be looking for signs and all of those signs could easily be justifiable but suddenly that man is in serious doo doo for having dared to start making himself look more presentable or pay more of an interest. Are we forgetting that men are becoming more and more in touch with fashion and looks and image? This is supposedly what we want, men to be men but men who care about themselves.
My theory is that most women want their man to be just like their best friend. At this point I am not saying that is a bad thing, but I do think it is a thing. I think it's a hard job for a man to live up to this, because men simply do NOT think in the way that women do and it will never ever work every time. Sometimes of course, it will. You can have a great weekend, or a month or whatever the length of time, but you can't expect a man to think like your WOMAN best friend for the whole time. What some women don't want, is a man who slobs about, ignores you or treats you like shit on his shoe. So if the man steps up and changes into someone totally opposite of this, they are now slammed for doing so as they simply MUST be on the verge of having an affair. Surely they couldn't POSSIBLY be shaping up for YOU, their beloved.
Perhaps it's a good time to remind you that I do believe in true love and I like the idea of happy ever after. My background is that my mum and dad were married for 14 years and then divorced after my dad cheated on her. Now he is with the woman who came between them, they also have now been married for 14 years and have a son. My mum was with someone for 10 years and then he cheated on her. My mum nags and is like a dog with a bone. It felt like she was WILLING the affair to be true so that her irrational behaviour of mistrust and obsession with catching my dad out could be justified. I honestly believe that sometimes, you can drive someone to an affair, although I always believe you should leave that person and not hurt them further by cheating. It's suprising that I would have that outlook on love but I just feel like I have a point to prove on it. I really do want to be the one that said you know what? I have a successful marriage and have not strayed. I may have been tempted, I may have had times when my marriage was rocky but neither of us ever disrespected each other enough to cheat or suspect the other of cheating. And if that sounds naive of me, I simply don't care. It's what I want, it's what I'll fight to get and if it goes wrong, then I'll know that man didn't love me enough and I'll wait for the right man.
So I have sympathy for both. Men because often nothing they do is good enough. Women because they are encouraged to keep a close eye on their men.
Unfortunately there is NO smoke without fire though, so enough times, men have cheated on women (and vice versa, to an almost higher degree, if we're right to believe all we read) and ignored the so-called obvious signs. I'm sure that the Top Ten Obvious Signs list must have derived from several women having all agreed that these were there, but still I think sometimes you do have to give someone the benefit of the doubt. If someone had suspicions about their other half's behaviour then this list would certainly pick up on small things, that really normally would be explained away in a jiffy and cause friction and further uncertainty.
And also, what woman want's to be caught unawares by a cheater? I mean, who want's to think that they were not good enough for their other half, that they COULD be cheated on. It's a huge blow to your relationship, trust levels, ego and security for someone to do that to you.
There are so many arguable points but I'm pressing on with the list.
Can I add, that this email started with "Don't get caught like Cheryl [Cole]" ...
1. He starts cutting his toenails at odd times...
"If he insists on showering before coming to bed, worry"
Half the time, if I have been out between the end of work and bedtime, I will come home and have a shower, sometimes you just don't want to get into bed feeling unclean. My boyfriend works shifts and always has a shower when he gets in no matter what that time is. Maybe I shouldn't trust him, maybe he's got a fling on the go at work and has to come home and shower himself off? ...
2. He takes a sudden interest in fashion...
"A trendy haircut and a new wardrobe can mean he's after a younger or just new, woman"
But look at all of the magazines for men nowadays, its not all about sports, it's about looking good, about being your best. That is not all geared at securing a new woman. Men are being re-trained to be more attractive to themselves and yes in response to this, other women. But wanting a change of image and wanting to feel good about yourself, hardly indicates an affair.
3. He dresses up to go out with the lads
People like to dress to impress, that is true, but sometimes they just like to look nice. And yes I know we're talking about men, but as I only have my boyfriend to compare things to, he does make an effort with himself and takes time to look good, so he feels confident and good about himself. Same feelings that I would have when getting ready to go out. If he never makes the effort to look good with you, then there may just be a point made.
4. He is vague about who he's been out with and where...
First of all there is a difference here between "hi, how was your night?" and "where were you? who were you with? What were their names? What was the ratio of men:women? Was everyone else single? Can you recite every conversation you had, including noted body language and facial expressions, particularly from any women?" Interrogation. NO. The point is most men do just categorise groups of people as "my mates from Uni" "my work mates". They are not so much interested in the detail of each individual. Remember that! Can they often remember things about their girlfriends' friends? Probably "Sophie? The one with the big boobs? Or Jemma, the one who always shouts when she talks?". There's got to be something that links that person to their memory, for them to be recalled easily. Otherwise they just fall into a category. Not remembering names and faces, should not be called vague.
5. He is secretive with his phone/email
Now this one IS tricky. With access to people being so instant, these kinds of devices have the potential to be an utter breeding ground for intimate written liasions. However, also, your mobile and your email IS like your post and to go rifling through anyone's personal messages is pretty out of order. I get incensed if my boyfriend opens my monthly Glamour magazine before me. It's just a magazine and ok we both know what it is from looking at the packaging and ok I don't really mind, but the point is, it is addressed to me and should be opened by me! And demanding to see that person's email or phone to prove a point can massively back fire. Because one if you are being made to show something, half the time, that stubborn side you forgot you had comes back with a jaunt and suddenly it's like "you tell me to do it, so I wont". Which in turn makes the person paranoid...you see...vicious ugly circles, with downward spirals. And then if that person WAS right to suspect you, you've now picked up on something and they sure as hell wont be keeping any messages on their phone anymore. But then do you want to live in a world where you don't trust your other person?
6. He is restless and distant in your company...
Stress anyone? Is it always about YOU. No. Who hasn't gone through a stage where you feel fed up, stressed out, just want the world to leave you alone a while and not keep asking how you are? Even though you are grateful to a point for the realisation from the other person that something is wrong, maybe you don't want to talk about it, in fact maybe you are so pissed off that actually, it's far easier to snap or ignore that person albeit unfairly, until the stress passes. Sometimes I come home from work and my boyfriend says I am very cold to him. It's nothing at all to do with him, but I've come from a workplace where you do need to be professional and you're not sitting around joking all the time and cuddling up to someone. And yes I find it hard to switch off for a while. And that is because I have forced myself to be this professional person all day and I need time to adjust. But during the journey home when I could have been unwinding and adjusting, I've instead had to contend with traffic queues, or delayed trains or aggravating people. So when I get in, I need some time to get over THAT too.
7. He resists intimacy and affection...
Again, instead of always assuming this is a personal rejection on you, you have to think about the bigger picture. What's going on in his life, is he stressed out? Intimacy and affection are pretty much the last thing on your mind when you're not feeling yourself, even for the so-called ever-hungry-for-sex male species. It's a affection killer, is that ole thing called stress. What about the times when you just don't feel yourself, sometimes you want a cuddle, sometimes you want to be entertained, sometimes you want to be left alone. Sometimes you don't want a cuddle, sometimes you don't want to have sex. People are changeable and unpredictable no matter how long you have known them and it's also hard on the pride to accept rejection even when it is not personal.
8. His libido takes a hike...see above. It's not always about guilt
9. His old hand learns new tricks...
Porn? Yes we're going to have to face it, men do love this. They do watch it, they do see things that open their mind and their eyes and sometimes they fancy being the big man and trying that out. Yes they may be risking a slap and an ensuing almighty row about whether what they just tried to do was morally right, but men can be curious and well who hasn't noticed the "how to spice up your sex life" slogans adorning all the magazines within their eyeline. Who can forgive them for trying to spice it up themselves, in a way that yes, probably isn't the most romantic or gentle suggestive way. But they have at least tried. That's right, they've tried to spice up your combined sex life, not just theirs with someone else.
10. He is defensive about everything...
Again, this is depending on what you are asking. It's very easy to be accusing in your tone and if there is nothing to be accused of (or if there is) then it is bound to get your back up after a while and who doesn't get tired of explaining their innocent remarks and actions. If you've got an intuition and then you present this to your bloke who in turn throws a huge fit at the suggestion, perhaps it's not the right thing to automatically think he is being overly defensive. Perhaps the idea of it is insulting and ludicrous to him and he's angry you don't trust him.
In conclusion, I think there simply are men and women who cheat, men and women who don't and those who think about it but never do it. Most of us would fall into the latter, because we all have fantasies and thought about other people, safe in the comfort and knowledge it would never go further or be discovered, because it is purely in our minds.
I think there are ways to combat temptation. And these are the rules.
1. Always always talk to your other half, about everything. Communicate about it all even if it takes hours or a few days of talking and breaking from talking, talking, breaking from talking. If you are always talking, you have less time to allow sneaky thoughts in, that may plant and grow.
2. Don't get too close to members of the opposite sex unless there is an absolute lack of attraction on BOTH sides
3. Never divulge very personal information about your relationship to anyone else.
4. Alway respect each other
5. Spend time apart so that you don't get so used to each other being around all of the time, that when one of you does go out, it's very alien for the other person and can make you worry.
6. Don't spend too much time apart, so that a gap is left in your relationship for someone else to potentially step in and fill
Anyway, so this last email I received, pretty much ENRAGED me. It contained an article called "10 signs he's cheating". I used to read all of these during the uncertain times of the early days in a relationship. Don't ask me why, I was young and worried. Then when I was happily settled into that relationship, I read them with bemusement.
Now I read them and feel pretty mad, because I honestly think a woman has enough in life to worry about, never mind what her boyfriend/husband/significant other is up to. And to now be almost told you should be looking for signs and all of those signs could easily be justifiable but suddenly that man is in serious doo doo for having dared to start making himself look more presentable or pay more of an interest. Are we forgetting that men are becoming more and more in touch with fashion and looks and image? This is supposedly what we want, men to be men but men who care about themselves.
My theory is that most women want their man to be just like their best friend. At this point I am not saying that is a bad thing, but I do think it is a thing. I think it's a hard job for a man to live up to this, because men simply do NOT think in the way that women do and it will never ever work every time. Sometimes of course, it will. You can have a great weekend, or a month or whatever the length of time, but you can't expect a man to think like your WOMAN best friend for the whole time. What some women don't want, is a man who slobs about, ignores you or treats you like shit on his shoe. So if the man steps up and changes into someone totally opposite of this, they are now slammed for doing so as they simply MUST be on the verge of having an affair. Surely they couldn't POSSIBLY be shaping up for YOU, their beloved.
Perhaps it's a good time to remind you that I do believe in true love and I like the idea of happy ever after. My background is that my mum and dad were married for 14 years and then divorced after my dad cheated on her. Now he is with the woman who came between them, they also have now been married for 14 years and have a son. My mum was with someone for 10 years and then he cheated on her. My mum nags and is like a dog with a bone. It felt like she was WILLING the affair to be true so that her irrational behaviour of mistrust and obsession with catching my dad out could be justified. I honestly believe that sometimes, you can drive someone to an affair, although I always believe you should leave that person and not hurt them further by cheating. It's suprising that I would have that outlook on love but I just feel like I have a point to prove on it. I really do want to be the one that said you know what? I have a successful marriage and have not strayed. I may have been tempted, I may have had times when my marriage was rocky but neither of us ever disrespected each other enough to cheat or suspect the other of cheating. And if that sounds naive of me, I simply don't care. It's what I want, it's what I'll fight to get and if it goes wrong, then I'll know that man didn't love me enough and I'll wait for the right man.
So I have sympathy for both. Men because often nothing they do is good enough. Women because they are encouraged to keep a close eye on their men.
Unfortunately there is NO smoke without fire though, so enough times, men have cheated on women (and vice versa, to an almost higher degree, if we're right to believe all we read) and ignored the so-called obvious signs. I'm sure that the Top Ten Obvious Signs list must have derived from several women having all agreed that these were there, but still I think sometimes you do have to give someone the benefit of the doubt. If someone had suspicions about their other half's behaviour then this list would certainly pick up on small things, that really normally would be explained away in a jiffy and cause friction and further uncertainty.
And also, what woman want's to be caught unawares by a cheater? I mean, who want's to think that they were not good enough for their other half, that they COULD be cheated on. It's a huge blow to your relationship, trust levels, ego and security for someone to do that to you.
There are so many arguable points but I'm pressing on with the list.
Can I add, that this email started with "Don't get caught like Cheryl [Cole]" ...
1. He starts cutting his toenails at odd times...
"If he insists on showering before coming to bed, worry"
Half the time, if I have been out between the end of work and bedtime, I will come home and have a shower, sometimes you just don't want to get into bed feeling unclean. My boyfriend works shifts and always has a shower when he gets in no matter what that time is. Maybe I shouldn't trust him, maybe he's got a fling on the go at work and has to come home and shower himself off? ...
2. He takes a sudden interest in fashion...
"A trendy haircut and a new wardrobe can mean he's after a younger or just new, woman"
But look at all of the magazines for men nowadays, its not all about sports, it's about looking good, about being your best. That is not all geared at securing a new woman. Men are being re-trained to be more attractive to themselves and yes in response to this, other women. But wanting a change of image and wanting to feel good about yourself, hardly indicates an affair.
3. He dresses up to go out with the lads
People like to dress to impress, that is true, but sometimes they just like to look nice. And yes I know we're talking about men, but as I only have my boyfriend to compare things to, he does make an effort with himself and takes time to look good, so he feels confident and good about himself. Same feelings that I would have when getting ready to go out. If he never makes the effort to look good with you, then there may just be a point made.
4. He is vague about who he's been out with and where...
First of all there is a difference here between "hi, how was your night?" and "where were you? who were you with? What were their names? What was the ratio of men:women? Was everyone else single? Can you recite every conversation you had, including noted body language and facial expressions, particularly from any women?" Interrogation. NO. The point is most men do just categorise groups of people as "my mates from Uni" "my work mates". They are not so much interested in the detail of each individual. Remember that! Can they often remember things about their girlfriends' friends? Probably "Sophie? The one with the big boobs? Or Jemma, the one who always shouts when she talks?". There's got to be something that links that person to their memory, for them to be recalled easily. Otherwise they just fall into a category. Not remembering names and faces, should not be called vague.
5. He is secretive with his phone/email
Now this one IS tricky. With access to people being so instant, these kinds of devices have the potential to be an utter breeding ground for intimate written liasions. However, also, your mobile and your email IS like your post and to go rifling through anyone's personal messages is pretty out of order. I get incensed if my boyfriend opens my monthly Glamour magazine before me. It's just a magazine and ok we both know what it is from looking at the packaging and ok I don't really mind, but the point is, it is addressed to me and should be opened by me! And demanding to see that person's email or phone to prove a point can massively back fire. Because one if you are being made to show something, half the time, that stubborn side you forgot you had comes back with a jaunt and suddenly it's like "you tell me to do it, so I wont". Which in turn makes the person paranoid...you see...vicious ugly circles, with downward spirals. And then if that person WAS right to suspect you, you've now picked up on something and they sure as hell wont be keeping any messages on their phone anymore. But then do you want to live in a world where you don't trust your other person?
6. He is restless and distant in your company...
Stress anyone? Is it always about YOU. No. Who hasn't gone through a stage where you feel fed up, stressed out, just want the world to leave you alone a while and not keep asking how you are? Even though you are grateful to a point for the realisation from the other person that something is wrong, maybe you don't want to talk about it, in fact maybe you are so pissed off that actually, it's far easier to snap or ignore that person albeit unfairly, until the stress passes. Sometimes I come home from work and my boyfriend says I am very cold to him. It's nothing at all to do with him, but I've come from a workplace where you do need to be professional and you're not sitting around joking all the time and cuddling up to someone. And yes I find it hard to switch off for a while. And that is because I have forced myself to be this professional person all day and I need time to adjust. But during the journey home when I could have been unwinding and adjusting, I've instead had to contend with traffic queues, or delayed trains or aggravating people. So when I get in, I need some time to get over THAT too.
7. He resists intimacy and affection...
Again, instead of always assuming this is a personal rejection on you, you have to think about the bigger picture. What's going on in his life, is he stressed out? Intimacy and affection are pretty much the last thing on your mind when you're not feeling yourself, even for the so-called ever-hungry-for-sex male species. It's a affection killer, is that ole thing called stress. What about the times when you just don't feel yourself, sometimes you want a cuddle, sometimes you want to be entertained, sometimes you want to be left alone. Sometimes you don't want a cuddle, sometimes you don't want to have sex. People are changeable and unpredictable no matter how long you have known them and it's also hard on the pride to accept rejection even when it is not personal.
8. His libido takes a hike...see above. It's not always about guilt
9. His old hand learns new tricks...
Porn? Yes we're going to have to face it, men do love this. They do watch it, they do see things that open their mind and their eyes and sometimes they fancy being the big man and trying that out. Yes they may be risking a slap and an ensuing almighty row about whether what they just tried to do was morally right, but men can be curious and well who hasn't noticed the "how to spice up your sex life" slogans adorning all the magazines within their eyeline. Who can forgive them for trying to spice it up themselves, in a way that yes, probably isn't the most romantic or gentle suggestive way. But they have at least tried. That's right, they've tried to spice up your combined sex life, not just theirs with someone else.
10. He is defensive about everything...
Again, this is depending on what you are asking. It's very easy to be accusing in your tone and if there is nothing to be accused of (or if there is) then it is bound to get your back up after a while and who doesn't get tired of explaining their innocent remarks and actions. If you've got an intuition and then you present this to your bloke who in turn throws a huge fit at the suggestion, perhaps it's not the right thing to automatically think he is being overly defensive. Perhaps the idea of it is insulting and ludicrous to him and he's angry you don't trust him.
In conclusion, I think there simply are men and women who cheat, men and women who don't and those who think about it but never do it. Most of us would fall into the latter, because we all have fantasies and thought about other people, safe in the comfort and knowledge it would never go further or be discovered, because it is purely in our minds.
I think there are ways to combat temptation. And these are the rules.
1. Always always talk to your other half, about everything. Communicate about it all even if it takes hours or a few days of talking and breaking from talking, talking, breaking from talking. If you are always talking, you have less time to allow sneaky thoughts in, that may plant and grow.
2. Don't get too close to members of the opposite sex unless there is an absolute lack of attraction on BOTH sides
3. Never divulge very personal information about your relationship to anyone else.
4. Alway respect each other
5. Spend time apart so that you don't get so used to each other being around all of the time, that when one of you does go out, it's very alien for the other person and can make you worry.
6. Don't spend too much time apart, so that a gap is left in your relationship for someone else to potentially step in and fill
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The true meaning of exercise
I've been doing pilates since September last year now, and whilst I know where near being an expert, I do feel I have started to grasp the basics quite well. I've learned a lot about my core muscles and can easily fit the word obliques into a sentence without wondering what the heck I'm going on about.
My body shape is changing. I am not a fan of scales, even though I know it is a good way to measure success. I was very much a scales fan back in the dieting day, but I adopted an unhealthy attitude towards them, obsessing over every pound lost or gained per day. So I made a pact with myself to rid my house of scales and only get weighed if I was at the doctors. I like to measure by my clothes. I have a pair of size 11 (bought them in America) Levi jeans, which are in such great condition and it has been my dream for about 4 years to be able to at least get them on, never mind if I can't do them up. I just want to fit into them and remember that the last time I was able to, I was 17 years old. Some may say that ignorance is bliss, but the less pressure I put on myself to lose weight, the more I find it easier to stick to. I think I don't like being told what to do, but at the same time, it's exactly what I need. Games..
So I have not been eating particularly well lately. I think I have discovered that the main root of my over eating or bingeing, stems purely from the emotional situation I am in. If I am happy, I'm for salads and I wont stress about the odd bad snack. If I'm in any other sour mood, I will binge and I will do it in a sneaky way and hate myself. I wont sit in a dark room crying but I will be extra stressy with myself and a bit snappy to others because of the guilt factor.
I have been a bit stressed lately though and so I am sure this is the reason for my bad eating. I'm also a bit flakey. I dropped a lot of weight steadily and embraced all of the compliments but now I am finding myself getting a little bit too comfortable. I have booked some holiday time for early May with the intention of getting a late deal but I am so ashamed of how I look and how I feel about how I look, that I am almost too nervous to go. Because I can't honestly say I have tried my hardest. And really, can I do much with 10 weeks to go? I'm not sure. I think I will need to devise a reasonable plan this weekend to get myself back on track with my diet and exercise.
If I'm honest, when I'm feeling in this sluggy mood, the thought of exercise is what a friend of mine would describe as "a grind". This is just it. However much I might have enjoyed exercise before, at the moment, nothing gets me motivated. All I want to do is eat and drink and be with people. I know I will snap out of this. I am a classic example of once I start getting into a routine, I'll be good again and this will be a distant memory.
What Pilates gives me is a feeling of balance and harmony. It's one night a week, where I can dedicate time to myself to unwind and not give much thought to anything else. I never realised how much I valued this one relaxing evening. Nor did I think it was possible to put one night aside for this, but I believe it will definitely make me a calmer and hopefully more toned woman!
My body shape is changing. I am not a fan of scales, even though I know it is a good way to measure success. I was very much a scales fan back in the dieting day, but I adopted an unhealthy attitude towards them, obsessing over every pound lost or gained per day. So I made a pact with myself to rid my house of scales and only get weighed if I was at the doctors. I like to measure by my clothes. I have a pair of size 11 (bought them in America) Levi jeans, which are in such great condition and it has been my dream for about 4 years to be able to at least get them on, never mind if I can't do them up. I just want to fit into them and remember that the last time I was able to, I was 17 years old. Some may say that ignorance is bliss, but the less pressure I put on myself to lose weight, the more I find it easier to stick to. I think I don't like being told what to do, but at the same time, it's exactly what I need. Games..
So I have not been eating particularly well lately. I think I have discovered that the main root of my over eating or bingeing, stems purely from the emotional situation I am in. If I am happy, I'm for salads and I wont stress about the odd bad snack. If I'm in any other sour mood, I will binge and I will do it in a sneaky way and hate myself. I wont sit in a dark room crying but I will be extra stressy with myself and a bit snappy to others because of the guilt factor.
I have been a bit stressed lately though and so I am sure this is the reason for my bad eating. I'm also a bit flakey. I dropped a lot of weight steadily and embraced all of the compliments but now I am finding myself getting a little bit too comfortable. I have booked some holiday time for early May with the intention of getting a late deal but I am so ashamed of how I look and how I feel about how I look, that I am almost too nervous to go. Because I can't honestly say I have tried my hardest. And really, can I do much with 10 weeks to go? I'm not sure. I think I will need to devise a reasonable plan this weekend to get myself back on track with my diet and exercise.
If I'm honest, when I'm feeling in this sluggy mood, the thought of exercise is what a friend of mine would describe as "a grind". This is just it. However much I might have enjoyed exercise before, at the moment, nothing gets me motivated. All I want to do is eat and drink and be with people. I know I will snap out of this. I am a classic example of once I start getting into a routine, I'll be good again and this will be a distant memory.
What Pilates gives me is a feeling of balance and harmony. It's one night a week, where I can dedicate time to myself to unwind and not give much thought to anything else. I never realised how much I valued this one relaxing evening. Nor did I think it was possible to put one night aside for this, but I believe it will definitely make me a calmer and hopefully more toned woman!
Monday, February 15, 2010
“If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.”
I like this phrase, it perfectly sums me up and how I feel about my friends.
I also like this one:
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
Now that is a true one. You know yourself better than anyone else. Even when someone seems to know you, you are amazed by how they get you BUT, it is not new news to you, it is merely confirmation of what you already know about yourself (whether you are in denial about that is a whole different ball game really) spoken from a different mouth and perspective.It's quite fascinating how someone can understand you or see things so much from your point and indeed their point of view, that you feel altogether stronger and satisfied with your own opinion.
The terms gut instinct and inner conscience are very strong tools that a person can possess too. My gut instinct is slightly askew due to the fact that I have anxiety, the lines between the two can blur and mess each other up. So I might start acting on gut instinct but if that gets mixed up with my indecisive anxiety, who knows what the frick is going to eventually be going on in my mind. I'm not unstable I'm just different...
And sometimes you have this voice within you, that says the sensible or reckless thing that you want or need to hear, but you'll always have the nagging smaller voice at the back reminding you to come back to your senses and "do the right thing". That voice can sometimes be so small, that it is all to easy to squash it until it's out of hearing range.
And lately that smaller nagging voice is becoming louder in my head (I'm not talking about going cuckoo etc) but it is telling me to voice it's thoughts - my thoughts. Which, you know what- is a scary thing when you are all too used to hearing the voice in your head and that is as far as it goes. For example, I want to stand up to someone, or I want to say no and I don't want to do something BUT for the good of peace and happy happy happy, I do these things or I don't say those thoughts. It's not good for me, because I'm not able to express what I want. And sometimes you need to. Because everytime you give in to someone, are you ever going to get that kind of sacrifice back? It is important to be on a two way street in situations like these or run the risk of being walked over and playing by someone else's rules - because they can and will demand their way. It is important too to differentiate between being able to have the courage to say something valuable and learning to hold something back for the right reasons. By keeping the whole lot in, spinning around my head, I am simply in danger of blurting every single thought out. And not in a fluffy way, but in a straight to the point way. Danger danger, high voltage!
Anyway I do think that you have to have the confidence in yourself to be the best you can be. But don't expect to keep every friend that you had. That does not necessarily indicate cockiness, although this is a territory that many could easily find themselves thrown into, should the confidence reach new levels.
I find different friends give me different energies and because I have multiple personalities it sometimes feels, I crave many things from many different walks of lives. I am quite flexible and always keen to learn about something or someone and so many people I meet, I feel the need to keep them close. But not too close, because life guarantees you'll never quite get the balance right and there are so many selfish people in this world; such a sad but true fact, that you give too much and you'll get trampled on, don't give enough and you are probably trampling on someone.
Tough one, because how an earth can you get the balance? And this is just ME, the thinker. The tramplers are probably not even aware of such theories or trampling, so they will never even think to change or consider someone else.
I think too much...
I also like this one:
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
Now that is a true one. You know yourself better than anyone else. Even when someone seems to know you, you are amazed by how they get you BUT, it is not new news to you, it is merely confirmation of what you already know about yourself (whether you are in denial about that is a whole different ball game really) spoken from a different mouth and perspective.It's quite fascinating how someone can understand you or see things so much from your point and indeed their point of view, that you feel altogether stronger and satisfied with your own opinion.
The terms gut instinct and inner conscience are very strong tools that a person can possess too. My gut instinct is slightly askew due to the fact that I have anxiety, the lines between the two can blur and mess each other up. So I might start acting on gut instinct but if that gets mixed up with my indecisive anxiety, who knows what the frick is going to eventually be going on in my mind. I'm not unstable I'm just different...
And sometimes you have this voice within you, that says the sensible or reckless thing that you want or need to hear, but you'll always have the nagging smaller voice at the back reminding you to come back to your senses and "do the right thing". That voice can sometimes be so small, that it is all to easy to squash it until it's out of hearing range.
And lately that smaller nagging voice is becoming louder in my head (I'm not talking about going cuckoo etc) but it is telling me to voice it's thoughts - my thoughts. Which, you know what- is a scary thing when you are all too used to hearing the voice in your head and that is as far as it goes. For example, I want to stand up to someone, or I want to say no and I don't want to do something BUT for the good of peace and happy happy happy, I do these things or I don't say those thoughts. It's not good for me, because I'm not able to express what I want. And sometimes you need to. Because everytime you give in to someone, are you ever going to get that kind of sacrifice back? It is important to be on a two way street in situations like these or run the risk of being walked over and playing by someone else's rules - because they can and will demand their way. It is important too to differentiate between being able to have the courage to say something valuable and learning to hold something back for the right reasons. By keeping the whole lot in, spinning around my head, I am simply in danger of blurting every single thought out. And not in a fluffy way, but in a straight to the point way. Danger danger, high voltage!
Anyway I do think that you have to have the confidence in yourself to be the best you can be. But don't expect to keep every friend that you had. That does not necessarily indicate cockiness, although this is a territory that many could easily find themselves thrown into, should the confidence reach new levels.
I find different friends give me different energies and because I have multiple personalities it sometimes feels, I crave many things from many different walks of lives. I am quite flexible and always keen to learn about something or someone and so many people I meet, I feel the need to keep them close. But not too close, because life guarantees you'll never quite get the balance right and there are so many selfish people in this world; such a sad but true fact, that you give too much and you'll get trampled on, don't give enough and you are probably trampling on someone.
Tough one, because how an earth can you get the balance? And this is just ME, the thinker. The tramplers are probably not even aware of such theories or trampling, so they will never even think to change or consider someone else.
I think too much...
Valentine Schmalentine?
Why oh why I give in to this every year, is sort of becoming revealed.
I love romance, that is for sure, But the most wonderful romance comes from spontaneity, some ingenious and thoughtful occurence from one human to the other in their life.
It's not a new suggestion that Valentine's Day is some over hyped, over rated, commercial crap. You need only look at the stores in your High Street, oh from the January Sales onwards, to know that this magical love fest is coming to a heart near you, where the wordy, Shakespearian cards and the "as long as it's red or pink, we'll pitch as Valentine's" gifts are running amok.
And really, its these gifts that we are all zealously snapping up, in a bid to profess our love to someone, grateful that this card or this gift really takes out the effort on our part and it's a case of "i feel like that bear reads on his jumper - wuv you". It may therefore, suprise you, that my boyfriend bought me a teddy bear with the embroidered words of "I really really really love you" on and I loved it! The feeling I felt was not one of indignance, I really believed that what he saw on the teddy bear represented what he wanted to say, because he says those words quite a lot in person. And you know, it was more thoughtful than a bunch or flowers of a box of chocolates, as this is a keep sake, something for me to treasure and look back on, where an empty vase or a bin bag full of chocolate wrappers once could have been.
And gifts are not a necessity and I half toyed with the idea of not getting one, but then incidentally I found a present I knew he would like and it coincided with the next present giving event which conveniently became Valentine's Day.
I also decided to cook a nice meal. Completely from scratch. It went very well. I made heart shaped parma ham and feta cheese tartlets, followed by pan fried chicken with a mushroom and tarragon sauce, accompanied by a potato rosti and green beans. For dessert was a rich vanilla and vodka panacotta. Each dish was very successful for me, which absolutely made me beam with pride. We toasted what? with champagne and just had a very enjoyable evening, with the added effort of dressing up a bit and being a bit nicer to each other.
I know some say Valentines is really for girls, but this time I think I made a lot of effort, which was appreciated and which I enjoyed giving. I am more for giving a present than receiving one, but if I receive a present and that person has really considered what I would like, then I WILL treasure that gift forever.
But if you look at the effect Valentine's Day has on you - does it MAKE you feel more in love or does it merely urge you to consider all the niceties of love and romance? Because I know on Valentines Day I was feeling the love, because "It's Valentines Day" and so, shouldn't i? I don't think this is a bad thing; if that one day can make you focus on love for a day, then what harm does it do, so long as you don't just focus on it one day.
On the other hand, what about the day before and the day after. I know the day after, I slept in late, my boyfriend went to work for the day, in the evening we grabbed a take away and then he slept all evening while I read my book. So was Valentine's Day merely delaying this evening of separatedness or did we just feel that comfortable that we did not feel the need to spend another night of forcedness. Our evening which although it was spent separately, to a degree, did not dampen any feelings we have for one another, we are comfortable enough to not be in each others pockets all day everyday.
I think Valentine's Day should be taken for what it is; a day to remember how you love someone, a day to think about them long enough to get them a token gift and that is it.
I love romance, that is for sure, But the most wonderful romance comes from spontaneity, some ingenious and thoughtful occurence from one human to the other in their life.
It's not a new suggestion that Valentine's Day is some over hyped, over rated, commercial crap. You need only look at the stores in your High Street, oh from the January Sales onwards, to know that this magical love fest is coming to a heart near you, where the wordy, Shakespearian cards and the "as long as it's red or pink, we'll pitch as Valentine's" gifts are running amok.
And really, its these gifts that we are all zealously snapping up, in a bid to profess our love to someone, grateful that this card or this gift really takes out the effort on our part and it's a case of "i feel like that bear reads on his jumper - wuv you". It may therefore, suprise you, that my boyfriend bought me a teddy bear with the embroidered words of "I really really really love you" on and I loved it! The feeling I felt was not one of indignance, I really believed that what he saw on the teddy bear represented what he wanted to say, because he says those words quite a lot in person. And you know, it was more thoughtful than a bunch or flowers of a box of chocolates, as this is a keep sake, something for me to treasure and look back on, where an empty vase or a bin bag full of chocolate wrappers once could have been.
And gifts are not a necessity and I half toyed with the idea of not getting one, but then incidentally I found a present I knew he would like and it coincided with the next present giving event which conveniently became Valentine's Day.
I also decided to cook a nice meal. Completely from scratch. It went very well. I made heart shaped parma ham and feta cheese tartlets, followed by pan fried chicken with a mushroom and tarragon sauce, accompanied by a potato rosti and green beans. For dessert was a rich vanilla and vodka panacotta. Each dish was very successful for me, which absolutely made me beam with pride. We toasted what? with champagne and just had a very enjoyable evening, with the added effort of dressing up a bit and being a bit nicer to each other.
I know some say Valentines is really for girls, but this time I think I made a lot of effort, which was appreciated and which I enjoyed giving. I am more for giving a present than receiving one, but if I receive a present and that person has really considered what I would like, then I WILL treasure that gift forever.
But if you look at the effect Valentine's Day has on you - does it MAKE you feel more in love or does it merely urge you to consider all the niceties of love and romance? Because I know on Valentines Day I was feeling the love, because "It's Valentines Day" and so, shouldn't i? I don't think this is a bad thing; if that one day can make you focus on love for a day, then what harm does it do, so long as you don't just focus on it one day.
On the other hand, what about the day before and the day after. I know the day after, I slept in late, my boyfriend went to work for the day, in the evening we grabbed a take away and then he slept all evening while I read my book. So was Valentine's Day merely delaying this evening of separatedness or did we just feel that comfortable that we did not feel the need to spend another night of forcedness. Our evening which although it was spent separately, to a degree, did not dampen any feelings we have for one another, we are comfortable enough to not be in each others pockets all day everyday.
I think Valentine's Day should be taken for what it is; a day to remember how you love someone, a day to think about them long enough to get them a token gift and that is it.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Sleep? No not me, Not I
There's a guy at my work who often says (insert as appropriate)..is for the weak. I like that. At any time, you can use that on someone, it sounds funny.
So for me, Sleep is for the weak - simply because I don't get enough of it and so I deem it as not necessary.
I find it actually impossible to go to bed early, unless I am so shattered, that I've started chilling on my bed and just fallen asleep. Most of the time it'll get to midnight and I'll be thinking about bedding down.
In the morning, I am like a wild, narky biatch who you just don't want to annoy. Let me have it all my own way in the morning, it's better for you.
I can't reason with myself, I fully know that at 6.30 that freakin alarm is going to go off and I'll be murderous. I've recently agreed to go running with a girl up the road from me. She works from home and when I told her we'd have to run at 6.45 because of the train I have to catch, she didn't bat an eyelid, despite telling me that her getting up in the morning took a tremendous amount of effort. Which is very admirable and made me think, if she is willing to put in the effort, then I really have no excuse. And yes I am starting to see the effects that running has on you, but that at this moment in time, diverts from the point. The point is, why am I doing it to myself? I spend most of my working day yawning, in fact I'm yawning now, it's 11.17pm and I'm clearly tired, but my hair is still wet and I feel like I've got a whole evening ahead of me to get through, that it would just seem early to go to bed now.
I've always been a late sleeper and a late riser. I totally abuse the days when my boss is on holiday, by getting in after 9, because I just can't face the early morning, to get in on time with no one to report to. What is the point?! Which is why I need to work for myself. I need to pick my hours. I could easily start work at 10, work til 6 and sleep at midnight. That is my idea of heaven.
I recently tried changing my hours to 8-4. All that did was put needless pressure on myself, and I realised half the time I wasn't even making it in for the times I said I would but I was still leaving at 4 :-) So gradually I realised I had begun to take the p and now for the sake of potential monitoring, I needed to alter my hours. If only I could have benefitted from it, with the lie ins. That is my sacrifice for my fitness!
What I love at the weekends, is to sit on the sofa in my cosy lounge and put on a dvd. Turn off all the lights, get a glass of wine and lie down under a fleecy blanket. It's the opitome of luxury chilling. I know the atmosphere will make me fall asleep and I'll love it because it's just what I intended to do. I'll know the dvd so I'm not missing out on a classic movie.
But again this is random sleep and it will only be for a few hours. Despite my yawning, when i get an opportunity to sleep, something prevents me from doing it. My brain wont switch off. I have thoughts in my head all day and night long, that stop me from sleeping at night.
I cannot understand people who nap in the daytime. It actually irritates me. If someone tells me they do that at the weekend, I just feel a bit riled. I see it as a waste of the day. So what if you need to catch up on sleep after a tough week? There's a whole world out there for you to see, sleep can wait, there's places to be, people to meet or see and you know what, it's not worth missing out on that just to get some kip. No i'd rather turn up and yawn in someone's face than sleep it off and see no one. Hehe.
Also you get some interesting tv at night-time. Must be for the night shifters sake. And fair enough. night shifters have boring lonely jobs and they need highlights. Like at the moment, theres some US car crash tv about Female Prisoners. These southern yanks with their grotty teeth and sucky attitudes going on about their forbidden relationships make me laugh. Why do so many of these women have mullets too? And a face full of cheap make up and nasty demeanour. It unnerves me, that this group of women are trying to be portrayed as normal women bonding when they are clearly fighters not lovers and there's little sisterhood going on here. "Some decisions were made...and she was shot" said one inmate calmly and sweetly. Ok sounds lovely....
So for me, Sleep is for the weak - simply because I don't get enough of it and so I deem it as not necessary.
I find it actually impossible to go to bed early, unless I am so shattered, that I've started chilling on my bed and just fallen asleep. Most of the time it'll get to midnight and I'll be thinking about bedding down.
In the morning, I am like a wild, narky biatch who you just don't want to annoy. Let me have it all my own way in the morning, it's better for you.
I can't reason with myself, I fully know that at 6.30 that freakin alarm is going to go off and I'll be murderous. I've recently agreed to go running with a girl up the road from me. She works from home and when I told her we'd have to run at 6.45 because of the train I have to catch, she didn't bat an eyelid, despite telling me that her getting up in the morning took a tremendous amount of effort. Which is very admirable and made me think, if she is willing to put in the effort, then I really have no excuse. And yes I am starting to see the effects that running has on you, but that at this moment in time, diverts from the point. The point is, why am I doing it to myself? I spend most of my working day yawning, in fact I'm yawning now, it's 11.17pm and I'm clearly tired, but my hair is still wet and I feel like I've got a whole evening ahead of me to get through, that it would just seem early to go to bed now.
I've always been a late sleeper and a late riser. I totally abuse the days when my boss is on holiday, by getting in after 9, because I just can't face the early morning, to get in on time with no one to report to. What is the point?! Which is why I need to work for myself. I need to pick my hours. I could easily start work at 10, work til 6 and sleep at midnight. That is my idea of heaven.
I recently tried changing my hours to 8-4. All that did was put needless pressure on myself, and I realised half the time I wasn't even making it in for the times I said I would but I was still leaving at 4 :-) So gradually I realised I had begun to take the p and now for the sake of potential monitoring, I needed to alter my hours. If only I could have benefitted from it, with the lie ins. That is my sacrifice for my fitness!
What I love at the weekends, is to sit on the sofa in my cosy lounge and put on a dvd. Turn off all the lights, get a glass of wine and lie down under a fleecy blanket. It's the opitome of luxury chilling. I know the atmosphere will make me fall asleep and I'll love it because it's just what I intended to do. I'll know the dvd so I'm not missing out on a classic movie.
But again this is random sleep and it will only be for a few hours. Despite my yawning, when i get an opportunity to sleep, something prevents me from doing it. My brain wont switch off. I have thoughts in my head all day and night long, that stop me from sleeping at night.
I cannot understand people who nap in the daytime. It actually irritates me. If someone tells me they do that at the weekend, I just feel a bit riled. I see it as a waste of the day. So what if you need to catch up on sleep after a tough week? There's a whole world out there for you to see, sleep can wait, there's places to be, people to meet or see and you know what, it's not worth missing out on that just to get some kip. No i'd rather turn up and yawn in someone's face than sleep it off and see no one. Hehe.
Also you get some interesting tv at night-time. Must be for the night shifters sake. And fair enough. night shifters have boring lonely jobs and they need highlights. Like at the moment, theres some US car crash tv about Female Prisoners. These southern yanks with their grotty teeth and sucky attitudes going on about their forbidden relationships make me laugh. Why do so many of these women have mullets too? And a face full of cheap make up and nasty demeanour. It unnerves me, that this group of women are trying to be portrayed as normal women bonding when they are clearly fighters not lovers and there's little sisterhood going on here. "Some decisions were made...and she was shot" said one inmate calmly and sweetly. Ok sounds lovely....
What a mess
I'm untidy. I really know how to let a mess build up and then recoil in horror one day, at the thought of how long it is going to take to sort out.
I don't know why I am like this, but I know I have always been this way.
When I lived at home, it became almost a challenge for me to not tidy my room. Something to do with rebellion. I remember my bedroom being literally COVERED in mess. There was absolutely no inch of carpet visible, I would stand on many breakable things to get from my door to my bed. I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoyed the discovery of items forgotten, when having to dive into the mess looking for something treasured or urgently needed. I ignored the constant nagging from my parents to tidy it up, I believed the mess gave my room a homely feel and it showed that I had character and it was this line I used for many years as my pathetic defence. I saw it that while the items lay on the floor, it was preventing the dust from getting into my carpets, thereby preserving the condition of the flooring and therefore it was of financial benefit that my room remained untidy.
Every xmas eve, I was threatened with Santa Claus doing a no-show in my room if I didn't sort it out. So of course I did, but by 11pm I had to have finished it. Damn Santa, he could just leave the goods outside my door, what's it to him what's behind it? Why does it have to be immaculate, surely it just shows that I am at least using some of the stuff he dropped off last year, if he can see it out of the cupboards.
I think it must have been when I was sixteen and suddenly doing 120 sit ups every morning was the most important thing in my life, that I tidied up. I needed the space. It was on my terms.
In adulthood, I have discovered I am still messy. I need to be in the mood to tidy up. I wish i was someone who tidied as they went, but I seem to be missing this ability. However, it's not to say I can't and wont change. I think the problem is that I am overwhelmed by what there is to do, the sheer amount of papers to tidy away. I chip at it but it's not even touching the sides. I have tidy ups quite often and I bag up things that need actioning and filing and then sling it with the other ten sainsbury's bags full of previous "needs actioning"'s. So all of this "needs actioning" stuff never does and I wonder why my life is not in order sometimes.
I'm scatterbrained. I'm easily distracted. An example of this is: Thirsty, so I went to the Kitchen to get a drink. But the water filter was empty. To refill it meant moving the washing out of the sink. So while the filter is filling, I wander into the Lounge and notice a magazine I've barely read. So I start on that and notice some empty opened envelopes, which I decide to bin. Taking these to the bin, I realise that I have not yet made my drink. So magazine and washing up forgotten, I take the drink to my room and I'm off on another tangent. Is this my personality, or this something I can work on to change? Because I annoy myself sometimes with my skittishness. Is it a normal thing that you see something out of it's place and just walk past it, that it doesn't annoy you or immediately strike you as out of place?
But then a few weeks down the line, a terrible day at work, not enough change to get a chocolate bar or coffee that might just have rectified this shocker of an attitude and suddenly every thing is obvious, every area of mess is skin itchingly irritating and there begins a huge blitz, which clears a large chunk of the mess. The initial stress busting clearance feeling soon wears off, peace is restored and the "Ok I'm done, can't be bothered to sort this out today" returns to the forefront of my mind.
I'm lucky I have a boyfriend. I'm lucky I haven't somehow lost my cats in the mess. The other day my kitten disappeared for 4 hours. I could not find him anywhere, dispite my voice going hoarse trying to call for him. I thought he's dead, he must be. My boyfriend looked at the waist high pile of clothes i've yet to put away and said deadpan "did you do anything to this pile today?" I said, yes I did, I quickly upturned it earlier looking for something, to which he said "you didn't crush the cat in there?". If I had been able to take that sentence for the intention it was meant, I would have laughed. But instead I was struck by horror of this possibility and began throwing all the clothes on to the bed, practically in tears at the thought that he could have suffocated by high street clothing. Of course he wasn't in there, he was hiding out behind the fridge (like you do). Still it did make me think.
This weekend, I PROMISE I'll have a tidy up :-)
I don't know why I am like this, but I know I have always been this way.
When I lived at home, it became almost a challenge for me to not tidy my room. Something to do with rebellion. I remember my bedroom being literally COVERED in mess. There was absolutely no inch of carpet visible, I would stand on many breakable things to get from my door to my bed. I enjoyed the challenge. I enjoyed the discovery of items forgotten, when having to dive into the mess looking for something treasured or urgently needed. I ignored the constant nagging from my parents to tidy it up, I believed the mess gave my room a homely feel and it showed that I had character and it was this line I used for many years as my pathetic defence. I saw it that while the items lay on the floor, it was preventing the dust from getting into my carpets, thereby preserving the condition of the flooring and therefore it was of financial benefit that my room remained untidy.
Every xmas eve, I was threatened with Santa Claus doing a no-show in my room if I didn't sort it out. So of course I did, but by 11pm I had to have finished it. Damn Santa, he could just leave the goods outside my door, what's it to him what's behind it? Why does it have to be immaculate, surely it just shows that I am at least using some of the stuff he dropped off last year, if he can see it out of the cupboards.
I think it must have been when I was sixteen and suddenly doing 120 sit ups every morning was the most important thing in my life, that I tidied up. I needed the space. It was on my terms.
In adulthood, I have discovered I am still messy. I need to be in the mood to tidy up. I wish i was someone who tidied as they went, but I seem to be missing this ability. However, it's not to say I can't and wont change. I think the problem is that I am overwhelmed by what there is to do, the sheer amount of papers to tidy away. I chip at it but it's not even touching the sides. I have tidy ups quite often and I bag up things that need actioning and filing and then sling it with the other ten sainsbury's bags full of previous "needs actioning"'s. So all of this "needs actioning" stuff never does and I wonder why my life is not in order sometimes.
I'm scatterbrained. I'm easily distracted. An example of this is: Thirsty, so I went to the Kitchen to get a drink. But the water filter was empty. To refill it meant moving the washing out of the sink. So while the filter is filling, I wander into the Lounge and notice a magazine I've barely read. So I start on that and notice some empty opened envelopes, which I decide to bin. Taking these to the bin, I realise that I have not yet made my drink. So magazine and washing up forgotten, I take the drink to my room and I'm off on another tangent. Is this my personality, or this something I can work on to change? Because I annoy myself sometimes with my skittishness. Is it a normal thing that you see something out of it's place and just walk past it, that it doesn't annoy you or immediately strike you as out of place?
But then a few weeks down the line, a terrible day at work, not enough change to get a chocolate bar or coffee that might just have rectified this shocker of an attitude and suddenly every thing is obvious, every area of mess is skin itchingly irritating and there begins a huge blitz, which clears a large chunk of the mess. The initial stress busting clearance feeling soon wears off, peace is restored and the "Ok I'm done, can't be bothered to sort this out today" returns to the forefront of my mind.
I'm lucky I have a boyfriend. I'm lucky I haven't somehow lost my cats in the mess. The other day my kitten disappeared for 4 hours. I could not find him anywhere, dispite my voice going hoarse trying to call for him. I thought he's dead, he must be. My boyfriend looked at the waist high pile of clothes i've yet to put away and said deadpan "did you do anything to this pile today?" I said, yes I did, I quickly upturned it earlier looking for something, to which he said "you didn't crush the cat in there?". If I had been able to take that sentence for the intention it was meant, I would have laughed. But instead I was struck by horror of this possibility and began throwing all the clothes on to the bed, practically in tears at the thought that he could have suffocated by high street clothing. Of course he wasn't in there, he was hiding out behind the fridge (like you do). Still it did make me think.
This weekend, I PROMISE I'll have a tidy up :-)
Jenson
I have recently made an addition to my family/cat collection.
He is called Jenson and he is 7 months old.
I got Jenson randomly. After Christmas, my boyfriend and me were sitting around with not a lot to do and suddenly he said one sunday - we should get a cat, some company for Harvey when we aren't home. I thought it was a sweet idea and we had a look online and in the papers, but most avenues were unsuccessful. Finally around 5pm, we found some kittens available about an hours drive away. We threw caution to the wind and took the drive over there. There was a kitten, 8 weeks old, black and white. What we weren't expecting when we arrived was to get to a stinky farmhouse with an a vast selection of cats strewn around. Walking into the kitchen, there were no less than 17 cats; on the dining room table, on the kitchen cupboards, led on the stereo, fishing food out of the pan, lying on top of each other, scrapping. What was this scene before my eyes? To be honest, they all looked pretty well groomed, but it was just a bit overwhelming seeing that many. And if I was that woman's family, I would NEVER eat food cooked there. Out of order, cooking in that kitchen, every meal infused with cat hair. I think not.
Anyway the kitten in question, cute as you like, but docile. To the point, I wondered if maybe it was on some kind of chill out drug. You have to be careful with kittens, they are meant to be playful and lively. This kitten was sadly not. But isn't that bad, that you pick the best cat, you choose the nicest one, the other ones get left. I felt guilty about this and so was reluctant to walk away, even though there was a nagging feeling telling me something was wrong. Anyway, I hadn't at first noticed, but this other cat, smaller but definitely months old, not weeks, was all around me, miaowing and being lovely. Suddenly I took notice of him and really warmed to him. We bonded almost straightaway and I told my boyfriend, this cat is nice. The lady said I could buy him if I wanted. I felt bad for the kitten, like "sorry kit, just seen something better, you're out of the running now. peace out" but even my boyfriend couldn't deny this kitten/cat seemed to like me a lot.
So we went away with him, so so happy. On the way home, being completely unmindful of this scared kitten, we drove fast on the motorway, singing along to the radio, singing at Jenson, phoning people, putting them on loudspeaker practically screaming "we got a kitten, he's so cute!" and then suddenly, this smell. The smell of SHIT. We smelled it at the same time, I nearly veered into the next lane as the fumes filled the car. Practically choking as we carefully opened the windows a small amount, we realised how selfish we had been and chilled out a bit. Thankfully, when we got the kitten home, he had done a little, albeit stinky poo and that was all. Phew I was expecting some kind of black kitten turned brown catastrophe.
As you can imagine this kitten was pretty farm smelling. I gave him a bath, an interesting experience that I wont be repeating. It turns out I can't really handle having my arm torn to shreds. So I took him to a preener and she washed him. She also discovered that what we had mistakenly just thought were his balls, was actually SHIT, FUSED TO HIS ARSE. It was so bad, that it took several washes and some serious shaving to get it all out. Poor little mite, THAT is why he was all around me, he saw me as his way out. Never mind that he'd have an oversized male Ginger bully to contend with when on his way home. I had remembered the lady at the farm saying something about him accidentally eating puppy food and having an upset tummy. Should have listened. Wont be making the mistake of assuming hardened lump of shit on back of bum is a ball again. Tut tut.
So Jenson, 6weeks on, is a real cutie. He comes to his name now, eats like a fiend and is the type of cat who jumps on the cupboard to nick whatever's going. Wont last long though, I will make him into another Harvey. He will enjoy cuddles more and will be banned from the Kitchen.
He seems to have stopped Harvey from weeing randomly so much love to him.
Aaah
Harvey
I have two cats, who I totally love and I think it's time I unveiled their little personalities and shared this with the limited audience that may peruse this blog...
Harvey.
Ginger. Overweight. Cute.
I saw him from 6 weeks old, when my mum rescued the mum cat and the 4 kittens, that were about to be drowned in a river (I'm not making it up for dramatic effect by the way).
As soon as I saw Harvey I realised I needed to have him as my cat. He was bolshy and pushed all of the other kittens out of the way to get his mothers milk, he was the boss and he just had a "little shit" feel about him. Normally I would want to steer clear of a cat that possessed these qualities - heck I'd steer clear of a human who possessed all that, but something about him made me laugh. He was also a bit clumsy and very affectionate. Also he kept coming to me, more than the other 4 kittens. It could have been because he figured I am a soft touch, so he'd be on to a winner with me. True but at the time, I simply figured this was fate and he had chosen me.
So how to get him? My aunt who is not evil and old ,but for the purpose of this blog she is, swooped in, casting a suspicious and critical eye across the litter and did some low level conversing with her boyfriend. In my stomach, I felt a pang of sadness. I know she would want my feisty ginger. The sadness was swiftly replaced by a combination of anger, determination and manipulative thoughts. No, oh no. This wont be happening on my watch I thought.
As my gut instinct indicated, she did indeed hint at wanting that cat, but wanted to return again to decide. My chance. Mwah ha ha. Running on adrenalin I devised a plan to blacken this kitten's name. I unsubtely hinted how much of a terror this kitten was, scratching at everything, nipping and biting and how I could see him turning into a bit of a nightmare pet. Previously unaware of my persuasion techniques, I had this in the bag. She took in everything I said, I geared her towards one of the other kittens very successfully and off she went. With my new kitty in my hands, I petted him and carefully watched her leave. Don't look back aunty, the deal has been done. You've got your cat, keep walking, that's right, go now.
Anyway...it is only upon recalling this rocky beginning, that I begin to realise WHY I believe in Karma. You see, the cat I directed my aunt towards, ended up becoming very vicious and turned doolalley and had to be put down after biting one of their daughters. My Harvey, although still so lovely and loyal to me, had severe medical problems in the ole nether regions, having to have the anatomy removed and therefore cruelly dubbed "post op ginger tranny" by unmentionable people.
The name calling subsided, the peeing on the floor regularly began and I can't say I've looked back. It's a funny thing when cleaning up cat piss actually becomes so much a daily routine, that it doesn't even shock me anymore. The smell is abhorent and arguements do start when my boyfriend steps into a puddle of pee, barefooted and sleepy, but I try to gloss over it as best I can.
The thing I love about my cat, is that during all my moving; I get restless and tend not to be able to live in one place for too long, he is always with me. He loves to cuddle up for ages and headbutt me (means love apparently) and just be where I am. He's my buddy. He makes me understand responsibility and how nice to come home and the first greeting I get is from him. He is always waiting for me and sometimes it isn't food he's after.
I take him places too. Once, I was picking a friend up from town. I was sober and knew she was gonna be off of her face and I thought how amusing it would be to take my cat with me and mess with her head. It worked too. I didn't say anything, but made her staggered self hurry into the car, as obviously the cat escaping wouldn't have been too funny. Not on Oxford Road in Reading. He would have become a gangster prostitute overnight. No one wants to see that happen to their cat. So she staggered in, belched and said "I need a kebab". Yes I did say "she"...
Then she turned around to a small "miaow" and started staring. "Is that your cat? HAHA. Am i seeing your cat in the back?" she was hiccup giggling and I said what are you talking about? Youre so drunk!
But when you're drunk you have to prove your point don't you? "Oh my god, you're cat, you're cat is in the car, how the hell did it get here? Oh my god, oh my god!" We had to go home pretty quickly after that, Harvey started really crying out. I really think Oxford Road just frightened the hell out of him. I mean it wouldn't have had anything to do with being in a car unstrapped and driving for 15mins....
So this March, Harvey will be 10. He's an indoor cat now, so I've automatically increased his life span by a fair few years. He's a slow careful eater, so no digestive tract problems envisaged and I think he is a cool cat. So many of my friends love him and some of them don't like cats. But see he's a clever one, he "works" people. He knows that everyone is flattered by flattery. So he's nice to most people and we are a team. He is all around them, I say "Wow, you're lucky he doesn't do that to everyone" and then they love him, stroke him all evening and are nice about him to me. Everyone feels good.
As per the picture, I like to get creative and set up scenes to make him look cooler. The picture shows him sleeping under the duvet after having clearly read through Glamour mag. It's all in the details.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Can a simple meeting lead to Narcolepsy?
I have pondered this for some time. I have done a little research based on my symptoms and have deduced that this must be the situation I am currently in. "The condition is characterized by excessive daytime sleepiness (EDS) in which a person experiences extreme fatigue and possibly falls asleep at inappropriate times, such as while at work or at school".
However, before I totally write myself off, (not that I am a drama queen you see, but it is important to recognise one's weaknesses and defects) I need to clarify the factors that led me to this prognosis.
My most recent example of this is a meeting I attended today. It was quite possibly one of the dullest and pointless meetings I have ever attended. She literally stood there and read aloud the screen, page by page. Word for word. Since an explanation on any of the content for this meeting was clearly not required, it turns out neither was her presence.
I have to admit I also felt a tad insulted. I mean do we look like a group of restless chimps or something? I could have quite simply taken a brochure and skim read it, thrown it away and been 25mins better off in my life. Instead of which I was dragged through this tedium and expected to thank the speaker endlessly for her detailed explanation with what? A hug, a broad smile and a "thank you, you'll never know how you changed my life" speech?
But the bigger problem I had was, that I simply could not stay still or awake throughout this half an hour seminar. I'm not convinced that it was the subject of the meeting that was causing my fatigue, as I once joined an Aromatherapy class for fun and during every one of the practical lessons, I was fine, but sit me down for some theory and it's Night Night Y'all. I have tried many many things to pull myself out of the drowsy state, I pinch myself and I mean hard, so hard you could practically label me a self harmer. I stretch my skin from my eyes to make my eyes water, I drink water, I drink anything, I click my pen, I rotate my ankles, I fiddle, I doodle, anything to distract myself from the boredom, but nothing nothing works. If you were to walk in on me during the middle of a meeting, I'd look like a drunk, with slurred sleepy speech, half open mouth and eyes and an inability to sit still and focus.
Thankfully in my job I am not required to attend many meetings. The meetings I do go to where I do not actively take part, seem to become an invitation for a quick nap and so there goes my chance of promotion to be honest. I have not yet tried to rid myself of this disease, as I tend to forget about it until I'm sat in the middle of a group , experiencing it.
The treatment seems to be a vast array of drugs IN PARTICULAR the date rape drug (which has surely got to be a joke or someone is very messed up) or a series of short naps. So that is it, I am going to have to start having nap breaks with the frequency that people have fag breaks and end up getting physically abused by some pervert from work, which I'll never know about. Don't tell me THAT's the way the cookie crumbles :-S
On the bright side and say I don't bother with the date rape drug...never have I felt happier to break up my already boring day with regular planned naps - hallelujah there is a god who actually cares for my well being and is going to allow my working day to be shortened. Cheers mate.
However, before I totally write myself off, (not that I am a drama queen you see, but it is important to recognise one's weaknesses and defects) I need to clarify the factors that led me to this prognosis.
My most recent example of this is a meeting I attended today. It was quite possibly one of the dullest and pointless meetings I have ever attended. She literally stood there and read aloud the screen, page by page. Word for word. Since an explanation on any of the content for this meeting was clearly not required, it turns out neither was her presence.
I have to admit I also felt a tad insulted. I mean do we look like a group of restless chimps or something? I could have quite simply taken a brochure and skim read it, thrown it away and been 25mins better off in my life. Instead of which I was dragged through this tedium and expected to thank the speaker endlessly for her detailed explanation with what? A hug, a broad smile and a "thank you, you'll never know how you changed my life" speech?
But the bigger problem I had was, that I simply could not stay still or awake throughout this half an hour seminar. I'm not convinced that it was the subject of the meeting that was causing my fatigue, as I once joined an Aromatherapy class for fun and during every one of the practical lessons, I was fine, but sit me down for some theory and it's Night Night Y'all. I have tried many many things to pull myself out of the drowsy state, I pinch myself and I mean hard, so hard you could practically label me a self harmer. I stretch my skin from my eyes to make my eyes water, I drink water, I drink anything, I click my pen, I rotate my ankles, I fiddle, I doodle, anything to distract myself from the boredom, but nothing nothing works. If you were to walk in on me during the middle of a meeting, I'd look like a drunk, with slurred sleepy speech, half open mouth and eyes and an inability to sit still and focus.
Thankfully in my job I am not required to attend many meetings. The meetings I do go to where I do not actively take part, seem to become an invitation for a quick nap and so there goes my chance of promotion to be honest. I have not yet tried to rid myself of this disease, as I tend to forget about it until I'm sat in the middle of a group , experiencing it.
The treatment seems to be a vast array of drugs IN PARTICULAR the date rape drug (which has surely got to be a joke or someone is very messed up) or a series of short naps. So that is it, I am going to have to start having nap breaks with the frequency that people have fag breaks and end up getting physically abused by some pervert from work, which I'll never know about. Don't tell me THAT's the way the cookie crumbles :-S
On the bright side and say I don't bother with the date rape drug...never have I felt happier to break up my already boring day with regular planned naps - hallelujah there is a god who actually cares for my well being and is going to allow my working day to be shortened. Cheers mate.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Effort to Make An Effort
I'm usually of a sunny disposition, but from time to time, like many hormonally challenged young women, I get a case of the ole blues.
Now anything and I do mean anything, can trigger this feeling. Today I am simply having a lazy Sunday. I was just meeting my dad for a lunch, nothing crazy, nothing requiring attention to detail. Yet I found myself thinking 2 simultaneous thoughts "I can't look scruffy" and "I can't be arsed to make the effort". The problem is, SOOOO much goes into making yourself look good. Now if you do it with just about the right amount of effort, you can really transform how you feel about yourself. Looking good makes you feel lifted and confident. But too much effort and then you feel anxious, did i do this right, I wasn't sure about this, now I'm really not sure but it's too late to change. Not enough effort and you're still feeling a bit shitty and down in yourself.
What effort is required to pull off a perfect look is ridiculous. Gok Wan says if you are going on a night out, you should take the time to pamper every inch of your body, regardless of whether it will be shown at any point of the night, so that you feel great and that confidence will shine through. But what that involves is literally hours worth of preening. I can't believe that when I was 16 and hitting town, to go out for 8pm, i would begin to get ready at 2.30/3. I would do all of the things that precede a guarantee feel good night out. There would be the hair and make up, the choice of outfit, shoes and accessories. The waxing, the tanning, the nails, the perfume. Included in this time is washing and eating and drinking and chatting.
I sound like this is a drag..but you know what, it's becoming one. Is it because I have no one "out there" to try to impress? No, because even last night my boyfriend suggested an impromptu night out in the next town to us. Half an hour and we're ready to go babe? He says. What the frick? I don't think so mate. I had to shower, re jazz my hair, check my nail colour currently on would match my outfit. It did not, so then I had to hunt through all of my clothes to put together an outfit that would match. Then I had to think about the shoes going with my outfit and whether my top would be suitable for how I was feeling. Ie yesterday I was feeling bloated. Somehow and I think I must have gone into shock or something at the little amount of time I had (and to think I should have said "no I need more time" does not apply when the inviter is suggesting dinner, meaning he is already starving and 50% extra time would mean a right old grump and having to run in already presumed uncomfy but damn stylish KG heels. It's a no brainer - also I kind of liked the challenge to get ready in 30 mins.) as I can't really remember the process of getting ready, I was just somehow ready.
But all of that effort for a 3.5hour dinner and cocktails.
I may be on another planet, but I think if I don't make this effort to look nice, I will be letting the side down. The side that insists that you know what, you should make an effort. When you're home you can dress down- but never trackie bottom - but when you go into the public arena you should try to be a bit more snappy.
The other arena of dressing is work. I have a theory on work. None of my best clothes are assigned to this side of the wardrobe. Indeed, my work shoes are my good shoes handed down, relegated from the outside of working hours only to the between 9 and 5 only. I rarely bother with make up or my nails. If i'm wearing make up at work, its for these reasons only;
1. I'm feeling so down, i need some colour on my face to make me feel attractive
2. I feel like catching someone's eye (purely ego boost, i aint a cheater)
3. I haven't removed the make up from friday or saturday and so I've had to top it up, as this is quicker than a full make up removal session at 7am on a workday.
I think work is not the place for impressing people. Poor attitude? That's the way life goes, in my world. I like the effects to be different. A kind of no make up to obvious make up routine.
So in summary, I mostly like to make the effort, but I need a stylist to motivate and create me at the weekends. I also think men have no idea what it takes to look and feel good within yourself and more than not knowing or perhaps because of not knowing, they cannot help but under appreciate your look. However, everytime my boyfriend says Wow! You look really good, which to be fair he says most of the time we go out, I do smile to myself and I do feel like the effort was worth it, as it starts my evening off really well, even if it is not him I'm heading out with.
Did I mention I'm hormonal? I couldn't remember, but I think elements of it may show through in today's blog for some reason..
Now anything and I do mean anything, can trigger this feeling. Today I am simply having a lazy Sunday. I was just meeting my dad for a lunch, nothing crazy, nothing requiring attention to detail. Yet I found myself thinking 2 simultaneous thoughts "I can't look scruffy" and "I can't be arsed to make the effort". The problem is, SOOOO much goes into making yourself look good. Now if you do it with just about the right amount of effort, you can really transform how you feel about yourself. Looking good makes you feel lifted and confident. But too much effort and then you feel anxious, did i do this right, I wasn't sure about this, now I'm really not sure but it's too late to change. Not enough effort and you're still feeling a bit shitty and down in yourself.
What effort is required to pull off a perfect look is ridiculous. Gok Wan says if you are going on a night out, you should take the time to pamper every inch of your body, regardless of whether it will be shown at any point of the night, so that you feel great and that confidence will shine through. But what that involves is literally hours worth of preening. I can't believe that when I was 16 and hitting town, to go out for 8pm, i would begin to get ready at 2.30/3. I would do all of the things that precede a guarantee feel good night out. There would be the hair and make up, the choice of outfit, shoes and accessories. The waxing, the tanning, the nails, the perfume. Included in this time is washing and eating and drinking and chatting.
I sound like this is a drag..but you know what, it's becoming one. Is it because I have no one "out there" to try to impress? No, because even last night my boyfriend suggested an impromptu night out in the next town to us. Half an hour and we're ready to go babe? He says. What the frick? I don't think so mate. I had to shower, re jazz my hair, check my nail colour currently on would match my outfit. It did not, so then I had to hunt through all of my clothes to put together an outfit that would match. Then I had to think about the shoes going with my outfit and whether my top would be suitable for how I was feeling. Ie yesterday I was feeling bloated. Somehow and I think I must have gone into shock or something at the little amount of time I had (and to think I should have said "no I need more time" does not apply when the inviter is suggesting dinner, meaning he is already starving and 50% extra time would mean a right old grump and having to run in already presumed uncomfy but damn stylish KG heels. It's a no brainer - also I kind of liked the challenge to get ready in 30 mins.) as I can't really remember the process of getting ready, I was just somehow ready.
But all of that effort for a 3.5hour dinner and cocktails.
I may be on another planet, but I think if I don't make this effort to look nice, I will be letting the side down. The side that insists that you know what, you should make an effort. When you're home you can dress down- but never trackie bottom - but when you go into the public arena you should try to be a bit more snappy.
The other arena of dressing is work. I have a theory on work. None of my best clothes are assigned to this side of the wardrobe. Indeed, my work shoes are my good shoes handed down, relegated from the outside of working hours only to the between 9 and 5 only. I rarely bother with make up or my nails. If i'm wearing make up at work, its for these reasons only;
1. I'm feeling so down, i need some colour on my face to make me feel attractive
2. I feel like catching someone's eye (purely ego boost, i aint a cheater)
3. I haven't removed the make up from friday or saturday and so I've had to top it up, as this is quicker than a full make up removal session at 7am on a workday.
I think work is not the place for impressing people. Poor attitude? That's the way life goes, in my world. I like the effects to be different. A kind of no make up to obvious make up routine.
So in summary, I mostly like to make the effort, but I need a stylist to motivate and create me at the weekends. I also think men have no idea what it takes to look and feel good within yourself and more than not knowing or perhaps because of not knowing, they cannot help but under appreciate your look. However, everytime my boyfriend says Wow! You look really good, which to be fair he says most of the time we go out, I do smile to myself and I do feel like the effort was worth it, as it starts my evening off really well, even if it is not him I'm heading out with.
Did I mention I'm hormonal? I couldn't remember, but I think elements of it may show through in today's blog for some reason..
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Its not great living opposite a gym you know
Its really not that great. My lounge looks right across the road and into a work out room of a gym. My boyfriend, an avid working out fellow is not the type to ogle girls (at least not in my presence haha) and is if anything motivated to carry on, sweating simulataneously in their respective rooms.
Me however, the wannabe fitness fanatic (but with absolutely no real intention of ever becoming one) has all of my darkest secrets unveiled. Do i sit at the computer in my dressing gown, because im too lazy to get up and do something productive? Yes. Do i sit and munch on biscuits or a hot chocolate (because i need a warm drink in this chilly place). Maybe I do. Because my lounge is up above floor level i have no need to draw any curtains, there is no one to see me, my window nicely shadowed by a tree.
But its winter now, the tree is bare, the window ever apparent, the gymborees very much in sight and very much reminding me "this is what you should be doing, put your biscuits down you buffoon".
So I've done what needed to be done, things that I had to do to shake off the feeling. I repositioned my sofa away from the window, I drop the blinds at night time and I leave the biscuits downstairs.
I feel ashamed :-(
Me however, the wannabe fitness fanatic (but with absolutely no real intention of ever becoming one) has all of my darkest secrets unveiled. Do i sit at the computer in my dressing gown, because im too lazy to get up and do something productive? Yes. Do i sit and munch on biscuits or a hot chocolate (because i need a warm drink in this chilly place). Maybe I do. Because my lounge is up above floor level i have no need to draw any curtains, there is no one to see me, my window nicely shadowed by a tree.
But its winter now, the tree is bare, the window ever apparent, the gymborees very much in sight and very much reminding me "this is what you should be doing, put your biscuits down you buffoon".
So I've done what needed to be done, things that I had to do to shake off the feeling. I repositioned my sofa away from the window, I drop the blinds at night time and I leave the biscuits downstairs.
I feel ashamed :-(
Friday, January 8, 2010
No work? Wonder what it would be like everyday
I have to admit, I have only spent 2 out of 5 days at work this week. I live a reasonable enough distance from work that unless it was my dream job (primarily) or a very good reason for me to go in, i was not going to put the effort in to get there. I've seen a few too many crashes on the tv and slides of cars in my road, that I thought you know what, forget it. Half or more of the people at my workplace have company cars and therefore a more blase approach to getting into their cars and driving in. You can be negative or not, but I felt more realistic. So i've stayed home. If i had a laptop or a way of working from home, i might have felt more connected to my work but i dont, so these past few days have given me what i feel was a very slight insight into being without a job. It may sound silly to think i could possibly know but i think i did!
I felt isolated, bored by everything, lazy, unenthusiastic. I thought i would love it, the novelty of all day long tv, uninterrupted sleep, choosing what to eat when, not having to dress up but with no routine in my life, I didn't bother with my appearance, I grazed all day long and spent ridiculous amounts of time on the computer looking at the same old stuff, having achieved absolutely nothing. I spent more, because I was online and it was easy. When I could venture out, I simply spent needlessly, just to do something. So no, I would like to go back to work and this is not something I thought I would say!
If I stayed at home, I would have no personality, nothing to talk about, I would be twice the size i am and really a shadow of my former self. I am now pro work and this is probably the kick i needed to make sure that I appreciate the job I have even if it is not the one I really want. It will do for now.
I felt isolated, bored by everything, lazy, unenthusiastic. I thought i would love it, the novelty of all day long tv, uninterrupted sleep, choosing what to eat when, not having to dress up but with no routine in my life, I didn't bother with my appearance, I grazed all day long and spent ridiculous amounts of time on the computer looking at the same old stuff, having achieved absolutely nothing. I spent more, because I was online and it was easy. When I could venture out, I simply spent needlessly, just to do something. So no, I would like to go back to work and this is not something I thought I would say!
If I stayed at home, I would have no personality, nothing to talk about, I would be twice the size i am and really a shadow of my former self. I am now pro work and this is probably the kick i needed to make sure that I appreciate the job I have even if it is not the one I really want. It will do for now.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Old Friends
On my mission to really make the most of life this year, I did two things that I have been meaning to do, for literally ages. I contacted an old friend. We've been out of touch for years and years, simply put because I did not put enough effort in to keep our friendship going. I approached her via email as it was the only thing I had. I was tentative, as I'm not one for rejection. But to my amazement she responded really quickly and now I fingers crossed, hope that we can renew our friendship.
I read somewhere recently that there is a theory that friends come and go, for a reason. That person who was your friend could have been there for 1 month or 15 years but the reason they leave your life is because that friendship has served its time and is not meant to be forever. I suppose when you look at relationships sometimes they are the same. I mean they are a type of friendship aren't they, but for various reasons, they can break down and you never hear from or see that person again (other than via social networking sites, which somehow seems an acceptable way to track people without having to actually speak or see them).
So maybe it is the same for friendships. BUT i disagree, I'm going against the grain here. I want to rekindle some of these friendships. I'm down with nostalgia and that but I want new memories. I think it works if you've changed a bit, keeps it fresh, but you need to have some of the "old you" and the "old them" there, otherwise you're two strangers trying to figure out whether you like each other. I have some hopes for this rekindled friendship. But then again, maybe this friend and I separated for a while because THAT was meant to be, maybe we are meant to be friends but we needed this break in our lives and now, when being back in touch, we will both be a little older and have things to discover and talk about. I hope so. Although I'm fully aware that with some people, the novelty of re-finding a friend can wear of and the constant enthusiastically expressed "oh we must meet up soon" soons drifts of and before you know if you're sat down one evening thinking "I wonder what DID happen to that friend again?".
I sort of think that if I put the effort into certain friends that I haven't previously, would I be making a seriously good friendship? Could I be missing out on a true friend instead of someone I occasionally surface chat with? Do we each have something to offer the other person, that we never realised before? Every friend could be someone important in your life, I do think that. So I wonder why some people I never get close to and others I find myself close to.
They say that you only ever have a handful of true friends in life, but maybe this is because we only put the effort into a few people. The ones that don't mind if we don't call them back for a few weeks, the ones who never feel like we've been away type thing. But what about the more sensitive souls.
I tell you the most fickle friendship confusion. WORKMATES. You think you are friends, you call yourselves friends, you hang out at work, you sometimes go for a drink or a night or, or maybe you don't. Maybe you get on so well at work, you forget about socialising outside of work. Because lets face it, no one is exactly the same at work as home. Maybe you'd get a shock on that person you consider a friend at work when they've had a bottle or 3 of something and start showing themselves for their true drunken selves! After all can you look someone you vaguely know in the eye knowing details about them? If you can walk away from that job and still stay in touch then you know you have a friend on your hand. If you never hear from them again, it was a case of good workmate, not good friend. I think I have possibly walked away from my last few jobs with a couple of "mates" but friends? Not really. These people, I can meet up with for a coffee or a meal, but do they know the in's and out's of my life and vice versa? Not really.
One job I had though, I would say all of us were close and we did socialise. We were all girls and it was just a bit of a bonding place. Since I left, I would say majority I keep in touch with, some know lots about me and others know which area i live in and thats about it. I think you can make some friends for life at your workplace, but majority not.
But despite all of the above, I intend to try to resurrect these friendships. I've got to schedule in enough time to really spend time for myself, as that was the issue last year. I was worn ragged going between friends family and relationship and it's just not good for the soul. But all the people I've let slip, I'll give them a call. But this time round, I'm going to be a bit cut-throat. If they don't pick up the phone to me AT ALL in return, then that is it. Bye bye. Because if I'm not in their thoughts, then they shouldn't be in mine. I do want friends who I care about and who care about me. Because that's what life should be about. NOT hanger ons, people who are half bothered about you. So yes, people I know will be divided into friends and mates and then I will know in my mind who is who and where I stand with everyone.
I read somewhere recently that there is a theory that friends come and go, for a reason. That person who was your friend could have been there for 1 month or 15 years but the reason they leave your life is because that friendship has served its time and is not meant to be forever. I suppose when you look at relationships sometimes they are the same. I mean they are a type of friendship aren't they, but for various reasons, they can break down and you never hear from or see that person again (other than via social networking sites, which somehow seems an acceptable way to track people without having to actually speak or see them).
So maybe it is the same for friendships. BUT i disagree, I'm going against the grain here. I want to rekindle some of these friendships. I'm down with nostalgia and that but I want new memories. I think it works if you've changed a bit, keeps it fresh, but you need to have some of the "old you" and the "old them" there, otherwise you're two strangers trying to figure out whether you like each other. I have some hopes for this rekindled friendship. But then again, maybe this friend and I separated for a while because THAT was meant to be, maybe we are meant to be friends but we needed this break in our lives and now, when being back in touch, we will both be a little older and have things to discover and talk about. I hope so. Although I'm fully aware that with some people, the novelty of re-finding a friend can wear of and the constant enthusiastically expressed "oh we must meet up soon" soons drifts of and before you know if you're sat down one evening thinking "I wonder what DID happen to that friend again?".
I sort of think that if I put the effort into certain friends that I haven't previously, would I be making a seriously good friendship? Could I be missing out on a true friend instead of someone I occasionally surface chat with? Do we each have something to offer the other person, that we never realised before? Every friend could be someone important in your life, I do think that. So I wonder why some people I never get close to and others I find myself close to.
They say that you only ever have a handful of true friends in life, but maybe this is because we only put the effort into a few people. The ones that don't mind if we don't call them back for a few weeks, the ones who never feel like we've been away type thing. But what about the more sensitive souls.
I tell you the most fickle friendship confusion. WORKMATES. You think you are friends, you call yourselves friends, you hang out at work, you sometimes go for a drink or a night or, or maybe you don't. Maybe you get on so well at work, you forget about socialising outside of work. Because lets face it, no one is exactly the same at work as home. Maybe you'd get a shock on that person you consider a friend at work when they've had a bottle or 3 of something and start showing themselves for their true drunken selves! After all can you look someone you vaguely know in the eye knowing details about them? If you can walk away from that job and still stay in touch then you know you have a friend on your hand. If you never hear from them again, it was a case of good workmate, not good friend. I think I have possibly walked away from my last few jobs with a couple of "mates" but friends? Not really. These people, I can meet up with for a coffee or a meal, but do they know the in's and out's of my life and vice versa? Not really.
One job I had though, I would say all of us were close and we did socialise. We were all girls and it was just a bit of a bonding place. Since I left, I would say majority I keep in touch with, some know lots about me and others know which area i live in and thats about it. I think you can make some friends for life at your workplace, but majority not.
But despite all of the above, I intend to try to resurrect these friendships. I've got to schedule in enough time to really spend time for myself, as that was the issue last year. I was worn ragged going between friends family and relationship and it's just not good for the soul. But all the people I've let slip, I'll give them a call. But this time round, I'm going to be a bit cut-throat. If they don't pick up the phone to me AT ALL in return, then that is it. Bye bye. Because if I'm not in their thoughts, then they shouldn't be in mine. I do want friends who I care about and who care about me. Because that's what life should be about. NOT hanger ons, people who are half bothered about you. So yes, people I know will be divided into friends and mates and then I will know in my mind who is who and where I stand with everyone.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Jan 2010
As per usual, I sat down with a short lived energy to plan my 2010 life. What do I want to achieve? How many holidays do I want to take, when, where, with who? I've mapped the entire thing out on a calendar, which will no doubt become a mere scrap of paper lost among the other scraps of papers, receipts, bills and statements that I'm a. Yet to get through and b. ironically have as a new years resolution written down as a "must clear paperwork more often".
The thing is though, I DO have good intentions like many people. I also have this innate fear that if I don't have a plan even if its a plan that stays in my head for a week, that somehow life willpass me by and nothing will get done. It's like I've convinced myself that by putting thoughts to paper, ideas through a pen, that somehow I'VE MADE PLANS, things are GOING TO HAPPEN.
And the thing is, because I hoard paper and everything, I can rest assured that even if that paper goes missing tomorrow and I don't find it until June, it will doubtless be found at that moment, when life is a bit glum and I've had to resort to sort through papers, simply because I've got nothing else to do, and I will have this warm glow of the plans I'd made and it'll probably make me think about what I have done so far that year. Nothing like nostalgia to make you feel good again.
I can never remember if this positive glow that I feel today, is something I feel every January. I feel ready for this year, I feel like YES, this is THE year. I did the usual "what is my horoscope for 2010" on google, and really didnt like any of the answers I found. All contradicting each other. It seems I'm going to get the job of my dreams and should shape up my resume at the same time as really needing to save money and probably accept that I wont be getting any kind of pay rise or career progression. So that's nothing more than confusing.
I feel this absolute need and reassurance that all will be ok, but it doesnt seem that Russell Grant, or Jonathon Cainer or any other astrologer is able to provide this. So I will have a think on that one.
But the resolutions I've made are the same ones as usual, lose weight, tone up, spend time wisely between boyfriend, friends family and also make time for myself, take up that Interior Design course, look for a new job, learn a new skill, address my diet, save for a house, pay off debts, blah blah blah. But this year with added motivation!
The thing is though, I DO have good intentions like many people. I also have this innate fear that if I don't have a plan even if its a plan that stays in my head for a week, that somehow life willpass me by and nothing will get done. It's like I've convinced myself that by putting thoughts to paper, ideas through a pen, that somehow I'VE MADE PLANS, things are GOING TO HAPPEN.
And the thing is, because I hoard paper and everything, I can rest assured that even if that paper goes missing tomorrow and I don't find it until June, it will doubtless be found at that moment, when life is a bit glum and I've had to resort to sort through papers, simply because I've got nothing else to do, and I will have this warm glow of the plans I'd made and it'll probably make me think about what I have done so far that year. Nothing like nostalgia to make you feel good again.
I can never remember if this positive glow that I feel today, is something I feel every January. I feel ready for this year, I feel like YES, this is THE year. I did the usual "what is my horoscope for 2010" on google, and really didnt like any of the answers I found. All contradicting each other. It seems I'm going to get the job of my dreams and should shape up my resume at the same time as really needing to save money and probably accept that I wont be getting any kind of pay rise or career progression. So that's nothing more than confusing.
I feel this absolute need and reassurance that all will be ok, but it doesnt seem that Russell Grant, or Jonathon Cainer or any other astrologer is able to provide this. So I will have a think on that one.
But the resolutions I've made are the same ones as usual, lose weight, tone up, spend time wisely between boyfriend, friends family and also make time for myself, take up that Interior Design course, look for a new job, learn a new skill, address my diet, save for a house, pay off debts, blah blah blah. But this year with added motivation!
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