10 signs he's cheating? Sounds like a recipe for breeding insecurity to me

I recently received an email from one of those gossipy magazine style websites. Sometimes I look at them, mostly to scour for the competitions that I could win something cool. I never do by the way. I'm sure there's something wrong about that. To enter all of those and NEVER ever win a single thing? Not even a pen? Hmm

Anyway, so this last email I received, pretty much ENRAGED me. It contained an article called "10 signs he's cheating". I used to read all of these during the uncertain times of the early days in a relationship. Don't ask me why, I was young and worried. Then when I was happily settled into that relationship, I read them with bemusement.

Now I read them and feel pretty mad, because I honestly think a woman has enough in life to worry about, never mind what her boyfriend/husband/significant other is up to. And to now be almost told you should be looking for signs and all of those signs could easily be justifiable but suddenly that man is in serious doo doo for having dared to start making himself look more presentable or pay more of an interest. Are we forgetting that men are becoming more and more in touch with fashion and looks and image? This is supposedly what we want, men to be men but men who care about themselves.

My theory is that most women want their man to be just like their best friend. At this point I am not saying that is a bad thing, but I do think it is a thing. I think it's a hard job for a man to live up to this, because men simply do NOT think in the way that women do and it will never ever work every time. Sometimes of course, it will. You can have a great weekend, or a month or whatever the length of time, but you can't expect a man to think like your WOMAN best friend for the whole time. What some women don't want, is a man who slobs about, ignores you or treats you like shit on his shoe. So if the man steps up and changes into someone totally opposite of this, they are now slammed for doing so as they simply MUST be on the verge of having an affair. Surely they couldn't POSSIBLY be shaping up for YOU, their beloved.

Perhaps it's a good time to remind you that I do believe in true love and I like the idea of happy ever after. My background is that my mum and dad were married for 14 years and then divorced after my dad cheated on her. Now he is with the woman who came between them, they also have now been married for 14 years and have a son. My mum was with someone for 10 years and then he cheated on her. My mum nags and is like a dog with a bone. It felt like she was WILLING the affair to be true so that her irrational behaviour of mistrust and obsession with catching my dad out could be justified. I honestly believe that sometimes, you can drive someone to an affair, although I always believe you should leave that person and not hurt them further by cheating. It's suprising that I would have that outlook on love but I just feel like I have a point to prove on it. I really do want to be the one that said you know what? I have a successful marriage and have not strayed. I may have been tempted, I may have had times when my marriage was rocky but neither of us ever disrespected each other enough to cheat or suspect the other of cheating. And if that sounds naive of me, I simply don't care. It's what I want, it's what I'll fight to get and if it goes wrong, then I'll know that man didn't love me enough and I'll wait for the right man.

So I have sympathy for both. Men because often nothing they do is good enough. Women because they are encouraged to keep a close eye on their men.

Unfortunately there is NO smoke without fire though, so enough times, men have cheated on women (and vice versa, to an almost higher degree, if we're right to believe all we read) and ignored the so-called obvious signs. I'm sure that the Top Ten Obvious Signs list must have derived from several women having all agreed that these were there, but still I think sometimes you do have to give someone the benefit of the doubt. If someone had suspicions about their other half's behaviour then this list would certainly pick up on small things, that really normally would be explained away in a jiffy and cause friction and further uncertainty.

And also, what woman want's to be caught unawares by a cheater? I mean, who want's to think that they were not good enough for their other half, that they COULD be cheated on. It's a huge blow to your relationship, trust levels, ego and security for someone to do that to you.

There are so many arguable points but I'm pressing on with the list.
Can I add, that this email started with "Don't get caught like Cheryl [Cole]" ...

1. He starts cutting his toenails at odd times...
"If he insists on showering before coming to bed, worry"

Half the time, if I have been out between the end of work and bedtime, I will come home and have a shower, sometimes you just don't want to get into bed feeling unclean. My boyfriend works shifts and always has a shower when he gets in no matter what that time is. Maybe I shouldn't trust him, maybe he's got a fling on the go at work and has to come home and shower himself off? ...

2. He takes a sudden interest in fashion...
"A trendy haircut and a new wardrobe can mean he's after a younger or just new, woman"

But look at all of the magazines for men nowadays, its not all about sports, it's about looking good, about being your best. That is not all geared at securing a new woman. Men are being re-trained to be more attractive to themselves and yes in response to this, other women. But wanting a change of image and wanting to feel good about yourself, hardly indicates an affair.

3. He dresses up to go out with the lads
People like to dress to impress, that is true, but sometimes they just like to look nice. And yes I know we're talking about men, but as I only have my boyfriend to compare things to, he does make an effort with himself and takes time to look good, so he feels confident and good about himself. Same feelings that I would have when getting ready to go out. If he never makes the effort to look good with you, then there may just be a point made.

4. He is vague about who he's been out with and where...
First of all there is a difference here between "hi, how was your night?" and "where were you? who were you with? What were their names? What was the ratio of men:women? Was everyone else single? Can you recite every conversation you had, including noted body language and facial expressions, particularly from any women?" Interrogation. NO. The point is most men do just categorise groups of people as "my mates from Uni" "my work mates". They are not so much interested in the detail of each individual. Remember that! Can they often remember things about their girlfriends' friends? Probably "Sophie? The one with the big boobs? Or Jemma, the one who always shouts when she talks?". There's got to be something that links that person to their memory, for them to be recalled easily. Otherwise they just fall into a category. Not remembering names and faces, should not be called vague.

5. He is secretive with his phone/email
Now this one IS tricky. With access to people being so instant, these kinds of devices have the potential to be an utter breeding ground for intimate written liasions. However, also, your mobile and your email IS like your post and to go rifling through anyone's personal messages is pretty out of order. I get incensed if my boyfriend opens my monthly Glamour magazine before me. It's just a magazine and ok we both know what it is from looking at the packaging and ok I don't really mind, but the point is, it is addressed to me and should be opened by me! And demanding to see that person's email or phone to prove a point can massively back fire. Because one if you are being made to show something, half the time, that stubborn side you forgot you had comes back with a jaunt and suddenly it's like "you tell me to do it, so I wont". Which in turn makes the person paranoid...you see...vicious ugly circles, with downward spirals. And then if that person WAS right to suspect you, you've now picked up on something and they sure as hell wont be keeping any messages on their phone anymore. But then do you want to live in a world where you don't trust your other person?

6. He is restless and distant in your company...
Stress anyone? Is it always about YOU. No. Who hasn't gone through a stage where you feel fed up, stressed out, just want the world to leave you alone a while and not keep asking how you are? Even though you are grateful to a point for the realisation from the other person that something is wrong, maybe you don't want to talk about it, in fact maybe you are so pissed off that actually, it's far easier to snap or ignore that person albeit unfairly, until the stress passes. Sometimes I come home from work and my boyfriend says I am very cold to him. It's nothing at all to do with him, but I've come from a workplace where you do need to be professional and you're not sitting around joking all the time and cuddling up to someone. And yes I find it hard to switch off for a while. And that is because I have forced myself to be this professional person all day and I need time to adjust. But during the journey home when I could have been unwinding and adjusting, I've instead had to contend with traffic queues, or delayed trains or aggravating people. So when I get in, I need some time to get over THAT too.

7. He resists intimacy and affection...
Again, instead of always assuming this is a personal rejection on you, you have to think about the bigger picture. What's going on in his life, is he stressed out? Intimacy and affection are pretty much the last thing on your mind when you're not feeling yourself, even for the so-called ever-hungry-for-sex male species. It's a affection killer, is that ole thing called stress. What about the times when you just don't feel yourself, sometimes you want a cuddle, sometimes you want to be entertained, sometimes you want to be left alone. Sometimes you don't want a cuddle, sometimes you don't want to have sex. People are changeable and unpredictable no matter how long you have known them and it's also hard on the pride to accept rejection even when it is not personal.

8. His libido takes a hike...see above. It's not always about guilt

9. His old hand learns new tricks...
Porn? Yes we're going to have to face it, men do love this. They do watch it, they do see things that open their mind and their eyes and sometimes they fancy being the big man and trying that out. Yes they may be risking a slap and an ensuing almighty row about whether what they just tried to do was morally right, but men can be curious and well who hasn't noticed the "how to spice up your sex life" slogans adorning all the magazines within their eyeline. Who can forgive them for trying to spice it up themselves, in a way that yes, probably isn't the most romantic or gentle suggestive way. But they have at least tried. That's right, they've tried to spice up your combined sex life, not just theirs with someone else.

10. He is defensive about everything...
Again, this is depending on what you are asking. It's very easy to be accusing in your tone and if there is nothing to be accused of (or if there is) then it is bound to get your back up after a while and who doesn't get tired of explaining their innocent remarks and actions. If you've got an intuition and then you present this to your bloke who in turn throws a huge fit at the suggestion, perhaps it's not the right thing to automatically think he is being overly defensive. Perhaps the idea of it is insulting and ludicrous to him and he's angry you don't trust him.

In conclusion, I think there simply are men and women who cheat, men and women who don't and those who think about it but never do it. Most of us would fall into the latter, because we all have fantasies and thought about other people, safe in the comfort and knowledge it would never go further or be discovered, because it is purely in our minds.

I think there are ways to combat temptation. And these are the rules.
1. Always always talk to your other half, about everything. Communicate about it all even if it takes hours or a few days of talking and breaking from talking, talking, breaking from talking. If you are always talking, you have less time to allow sneaky thoughts in, that may plant and grow.
2. Don't get too close to members of the opposite sex unless there is an absolute lack of attraction on BOTH sides
3. Never divulge very personal information about your relationship to anyone else.
4. Alway respect each other
5. Spend time apart so that you don't get so used to each other being around all of the time, that when one of you does go out, it's very alien for the other person and can make you worry.
6. Don't spend too much time apart, so that a gap is left in your relationship for someone else to potentially step in and fill