The true meaning of exercise

I've been doing pilates since September last year now, and whilst I know where near being an expert, I do feel I have started to grasp the basics quite well. I've learned a lot about my core muscles and can easily fit the word obliques into a sentence without wondering what the heck I'm going on about.

My body shape is changing. I am not a fan of scales, even though I know it is a good way to measure success. I was very much a scales fan back in the dieting day, but I adopted an unhealthy attitude towards them, obsessing over every pound lost or gained per day. So I made a pact with myself to rid my house of scales and only get weighed if I was at the doctors. I like to measure by my clothes. I have a pair of size 11 (bought them in America) Levi jeans, which are in such great condition and it has been my dream for about 4 years to be able to at least get them on, never mind if I can't do them up. I just want to fit into them and remember that the last time I was able to, I was 17 years old. Some may say that ignorance is bliss, but the less pressure I put on myself to lose weight, the more I find it easier to stick to. I think I don't like being told what to do, but at the same time, it's exactly what I need. Games..

So I have not been eating particularly well lately. I think I have discovered that the main root of my over eating or bingeing, stems purely from the emotional situation I am in. If I am happy, I'm for salads and I wont stress about the odd bad snack. If I'm in any other sour mood, I will binge and I will do it in a sneaky way and hate myself. I wont sit in a dark room crying but I will be extra stressy with myself and a bit snappy to others because of the guilt factor.

I have been a bit stressed lately though and so I am sure this is the reason for my bad eating. I'm also a bit flakey. I dropped a lot of weight steadily and embraced all of the compliments but now I am finding myself getting a little bit too comfortable. I have booked some holiday time for early May with the intention of getting a late deal but I am so ashamed of how I look and how I feel about how I look, that I am almost too nervous to go. Because I can't honestly say I have tried my hardest. And really, can I do much with 10 weeks to go? I'm not sure. I think I will need to devise a reasonable plan this weekend to get myself back on track with my diet and exercise.

If I'm honest, when I'm feeling in this sluggy mood, the thought of exercise is what a friend of mine would describe as "a grind". This is just it. However much I might have enjoyed exercise before, at the moment, nothing gets me motivated. All I want to do is eat and drink and be with people. I know I will snap out of this. I am a classic example of once I start getting into a routine, I'll be good again and this will be a distant memory.

What Pilates gives me is a feeling of balance and harmony. It's one night a week, where I can dedicate time to myself to unwind and not give much thought to anything else. I never realised how much I valued this one relaxing evening. Nor did I think it was possible to put one night aside for this, but I believe it will definitely make me a calmer and hopefully more toned woman!